birth.

They say that when your baby is born, your memories of the pain of childbirth melt away. Not true.

Don't get me wrong. When I held baby Eliza for the first time, I did really feel like I was melting. It was a very surreal experience where the world seemed so fuzzy. As someone laid this tiny human in my arms, so many different emotions bubbled up--fighting their way to the surface. But, two hours, two days, or two weeks later- I can still very clearly remember every moment of that labor. All I can really say is, it was a hard thing.

It was a very hard thing.

After  three days of labor, two hours of pushing, and no epidural- all I could say when they handed me my baby was ... "I did it. I actually did it!" I was stunned. I honestly thought that I wasn't going to be able to do it in the end. They placed her on my belly with the cord still attached and the whole room just spun around me. I remember wanting to cry but found there was literally nothing left in me. And when I finally got to hold her in my arms she stared at me so intently with those big, bright eyes and I was just in such awe.

Birth is pretty crazy. It amazes me what the human body is made to do. It amazes me what I was able to do that night. They say you forget everything, but that's a load. I remember every minute. I remember very distinctly lying there for those brief 30 seconds before the next wave of contractions started, and thinking, "I will never do this again. Why would anyone want to do this again? We are going to ADOPT."

And that's where the difference is. If anything, you don't forget...you know. Now, when I hold Eliza, I can't get over how much I love this tiny thing. Sometimes I have a hard time sharing her, even with Sam. She's mine. I made her. I love her more than I can describe. 

And now that I know what birthing this child was like, if someone was to tell me the only way I could have Eliza was to go through that experience again- I would do it.

I would do it because I love her. And, I would do it because I know I can. I'm not proud of the fact that I was definitely crying for mercy at the end of my labor- but I am proud that I somehow made it through the other side. I did it. It gives me a huge sense of accomplishment. And, I continue to feel it every day. Three weeks of successful nursing. Check. Surviving our first growth spurt. Check. Sleeping three hours at a time. Check.

Raising this baby is a hard thing. But I do it every day. And I'm good at it. I'm Eliza's mom.




If you're interested, Sam kept a journal of photos on this great new app, Days. (May 6 and May 7.) A good friend of ours created it, and it has been fun looking back at some of these moments from the past few weeks. You can follow us @spgray and @roxannemgray.