Eliza, Eliza. This girl has brought so many new and unexpected challenges into our lives lately. She tests me every single day, bursting with an amount of energy that can seem both obnoxious and absolutely endearing. She has so much love to give, and gives it freely. She is smart and creative, and endlessly curious. Not a day goes by that I am dumbfounded by a particular question or observation, and proud of every detail she hungrily digests. But, with all that thirst for life comes a barrel of emotions that we are all struggling to manage. She has developed a fierce and worrisome jealous streak, to the point that we can hardly all be in the same room together. If any attention is being paid to the baby, she lashes out- either by hitting or hurting the baby, or hitting or hurting Sam and I. Or, simply by doing something ridiculous and obnoxious until we snap. She needs constant one-on-one time, and we just can't give it to her every minute of the day. On top of that, she has rediscovered the toddler tantrum- which, manifested in a four-year-old, is particularly frustrating. It drives me crazy. And, it's really difficult for me to calm down and breathe enough to look through the screaming and crying and see the root of the problem. The easiest way to calm her down can sometimes just be a hug. But, it's hard to get her to that point. I recognize that Eliza is a strong-willed and independent child. I also recognize that we are incredibly similar in both of these characteristics. So, I need help. We clash so hard. Sometimes I see myself reacting in ways that are absolutely no better than Eliza, or I see Eliza mimicking reactions I know she has seen from me. And, it's not ok. I reached out on Instagram and got so many recommendations for resources and tips. I haven't been able to dive in yet, as we have been on vacation for a couple of weeks. But, I am so grateful and look forward to the help! Here is a list of reading material that I compiled, if anyone is interested: -Calm Down Time -Raising an Emotional and Intelligent Child- John Gottman -The Whole Brain Child -The Power of Positive Parenting- Glenn Latham -Your Defiant Child- Russell Barkley -Parenting a House United- Nicholeen Peck -Unconditional Parenting- Alfie Kohn -The 5 Love Languages of Children -The Strong Willed Child- John Dobson -Raising Your Spirited Child- Mary Sheedy Kurcinka -Positive Discipline for Preschoolers -Parenting with Love and Logic -How to Talk so Kids Will Listen Like I said, I haven't personally read any of these yet. But, it looks like a great list! Thanks again for all of you who sent me recommendations. I did receive one piece of advice from a friend while chatting at the park, that has really stuck with me lately. Children, especially Eliza, need some amount of control over their lives. I should know. I need to control every single aspect of my life, to the point that it can be debilitating in some ways. Eliza has an extremely difficult time when she is asked to give up control over something, whether it's a change in activity, a decision about what to eat or wear, or being told that she cannot have something that she wants. My friend's advice was to give Eliza control, in small doses. If it's time to get ready for bed, offer her a choice of activity, "You need to get your pjs on, brush your teeth, and read a book. Which would you like to do first?" Basically, she needs to feel as if she has some control over her life, and giving it in small doses gives me the power to control it. Simple, but effective. After thinking about this advice for a time, I had this major realization. I go through parenting under the impression that I am losing control to my children and that they disrupt my routine. But, Eliza must feel the exact same way. Eliza, even as a four-year-old, has developed her own routine in her little head and her parents are constantly taking that control and disrupting that routine. I am disrupting her routine. That would be so difficult for such a young mind to understand. And, I feel like I get why she is so frustrated lately. I just need to figure out how to make it better. I know the first step is to make more special alone time with her- I just have to make it happen. But, let's move on. I love this child so much. She is such a beautifully interesting little human lately. Let's celebrate that: "I love you" - Eliza is really good at communicating her love. It makes me so happy to hear her quiet statement of, "Mama, I love you," as we are wandering the grocery store. This statement is proclaimed when she is joyously happy, mildly content, and gleefully giddy. It's also her way of saying, "Thank you" when she gets something she wants. I hope she never stops saying it. Jobs- Eliza is very interested in jobs lately. She is fascinated by Sam's job, and loves to visit him at work- especially because she usually gets snacks, iPad time at his desk, and a quick trip to Chinatown. But, one of my favorite moments is when she's splashing around in the tub when Sam gets home from work, and the first thing she asks him is, "What did you design at work today? Can I see what you designed today?" She also loves to refer to school as her job. And, she proudly tells people that my job is to dance- which makes me beam. Tap Shoes- I gave Eliza a pair of tap shoes for her birthday. They were actually an old pair that a parent of one of my students gave me when Eliza was a baby. She has been coveting the big girls' tap shoes for years. And, at 7am on birthday morning, it sure felt like a huge mistake. But, it is pretty cute to see her doing a jog to "Black Jack David" in our living room with that huge smile, and her little bob whipping around her face. "It's not fun!"- When Eliza doesn't want to do something, she yells and screams and cries. And through that mess of emotions you hear, "This is not fun! This is boring! I will never, ever, ever clean my room! This is not happening!" Those are some of my favorites. It's hard not to laugh, because if she catches you laughing she totally loses it. "You are not getting a Mother's Day present!" - Speaking of cleaning her room, Eliza is learning to dish out some threats of her own. I try not to threat, but it's such an easy default to fall back on. It never works, really. But, leading up to her birthday, Eliza got so terrible and nasty. Like, out of control. So, of course, I threatened that she wouldn't get any birthday presents. So one day, while she was supposed to be cleaning her room, she yells out "You are NOT getting a Mother's Day present! NEVER, EVER AGAIN!" Ha! Budding Scientist- Eliza loves nature. She has been going to a little, local nature school that my friend teaches once a week. And, she loves Teacher Sara. So much so that she has decided that she wants to be a science teacher when she grows up. She loves to dissect flowers from the garden, collect nature treasures, and play with bugs she finds on walks. For her birthday, she got a little microscope and a box to organize her treasures. She loves it all so much. She immediately organized them by type: brown rocks, colorful rocks, seashells, flowers and plants, "sea creatures that used to be alive," shiny things, and "glassable" objects. I love this side of her because it came so naturally, and wasn't necessarily something I pushed on her. Let's be honest, by kids will all be forced to love fairytales and dance. But, this little girl who likes to see how bugs move, find the seeds inside the ovary of a flower, and learn the mechanics of a catapult- that wasn't from me. Budding Engineer- She also got her first real Lego sets for her birthday. I was so impressed with how much time she will spend playing with those, even following the detailed instructions with quiet patience. She is endlessly interested in how things work. When we drive anywhere, much of the time is spent with her asking one question after another about how things work, what things are made of, how something got to be, where something came from. I love it when I can tell her little wheels are turning and she spouts out a bit of her own understanding in such a beautiful and matter of fact way. For example, we had a recent discussion about how it may be easier for her to get her ice cream in a cup instead of cone- mostly because I didn't want to pay the extra, and every cone she has ever had has been a huge mess. So, after thinking for a bit, she said, "Well, they should just make a cone that has bigger sides and not a point at the bottom." And I said, "You mean a cone shaped like a cup?" "Yeah!" I know the idea seems small, but it seemed so big and mighty coming from such a small girl. Patterns- Eliza loves to color "patt-awins." It's interesting because up until very recently, Eliza has not been interested in coloring books. As a toddler, she would get frustrated with them knowing that she couldn't stay inside the lines. She would always ask me to color them, and preferred a blank sketch book. Now, she LOVES to color. I even got her one of those grown up coloring books with the super detailed drawings, and she will sit there for an hour coloring with her big box of pencils. She loves the detailed pages because they usually have stripes or swirls where she can create patterns of alternating color schemes. "Blue, Green, Pink, Purple... Now, we have to do Blue again, Mama." Games- She loves to play games lately. We don't have a lot of room for board games or things, but she has a couple that she is always pulling out and wanting me to to teach her. We also have several games we play while eating dinner, or meandering on walks. The "Favorite Game" involves me asking her questions about what her favorite things are, and she answers them. I have recorded it a couple of times, and need to do more, because I love hearing her favorites change over time. Lately she made up a "Rhyme Game" in which one of us says a word, and the other one has to say a word that rhymes. I was pretty impressed by that one. And, when we are together as a family, she likes to play "Highs and Lows" in which we each say what our highest and lowest point of the day was. We always have to go in a certain order so that Eliza goes last. I love this one because it actually really helps her to process her day. We talked about something difficult that may have happened, and how we can "try harder tomorrow." She loves this game.
So, Eliza got a haircut! It happened a couple weeks back, and I've already lamented to anyone who would listen so I won't go into too much detail except to say I am at peace with it now. She's a doll. Basically, I got a haircut a few weeks ago and ever since Eliza has been saying that she wants one, too. So, we looked at some pictures online and she picked a short bob with bangs. She wanted hair like mine, which is really sweet. So, Sam and I dragged our feet for weeks because the thought of cutting her long, beautiful baby hair made us so sad. But, one Saturday morning, Eliza and I were out on a date together when I drove past a local kid's salon. I popped my head in, thinking that they would be slammed because it's Saturday. The lady said she could be up next. So, I bring Eliza inside and immediately felt sick. I asked her over and over if she wanted to just get a trim, but she insisted she "wanted the whole hair cut." So, when it was her turn I showed the lady the picture and was still sort of stalling. But, Edna Mode there (she looked just like her) snipped off a chunk of the hair by her face because I could protest. Eliza was so patient and quiet while she cut away at her hair, and I sat on the chair next to her and just cried. I tried so hard not to make her upset or worried, but it was really tough to keep it in. Five minutes later, Eliza had a bob and a lollipop, and I had an envelope with a little lock of hair inside. I honestly had a very hard time with it. All morning I couldn't stop staring at her, because she looked so different. Like, not my child. Let me remind you, Eliza has never had her cut. Ever. It was long, almost to her waist. It had windblown waves, and sun-bleached golden ombre highlights. So, as we ate pancakes and Eliza chattered on and on as if nothing had happened, I just stared. Then, for the next two days I couldn't look at her at all because every time I did I would burst into tears. It was pathetic and weird. Sam kept having to take the girls out, because I was sobbing in bed. It wasn't that I thought she looked ugly or something, it was that she didn't look like Eliza. She didn't look like my little girl. It was that I had taken her to do this. It wasn't like every other kid's drastic hair cut story, where they sneak a pair of scissors to hack off all their hair, and the mom has to even it out or something. No, I did this myself. It was just so drastic. So, yes. I hated it. I'm her mom, so I can say that. And, yes, I can also say that I will always regret cutting that hair to the day I die. Because I am her mom, and I'm allowed to be weirdly dramatic. But, I will also say that I am getting used to it. That it really is adorable. And that it seems to fit this little grown up girl that has emerged these past few months. She is a big sister, a big girl, an almost-four-year-old. She was ready for this. Just, maybe mama wasn't. Welp, I obviously ended up going into way too much detail. Whoops. I love these pictures because of that hair, the Darth Vader temporary tattoo on her forearm, the tiny-teeth smiles, and those eyes. Lately, I have been going back and looking at baby photos of Eliza when she was Sadie's age. And it really is amazing how their eyes never change. When I look at Eliza's age, I can still catch glimpses of my baby. A bit of E, lately: teacher Sara- Sara is our friend who teaches Nature School. She is also Eliza's friend Sage's mom, and she works with a really great program in Oakland that teaches science classes to girls. Eliza is obsessed and in love with her, and her family. She told us that she wants to be a science teacher like Sara when she grows up. family picture- The other day, Eliza told me: "I drew a picture of our family at school. There was me, and Sadie, and Papa.... and Papa is hugging Rob..." "Oh! Rob is in the picture?" "Yeah. And Sara, and Sage. But, Gideon and Jasper are at school." "Oh, is Mama in the picture" "Oh yeah, you are in the picture, too." So, somewhere at Eliza's school is a family picture with a whole lot of people in it. scissors- Eliza is really into scissors lately. She has some kid scissors that she carries around the house all day. She is very serious about scissor safety, so I totally trust her. But, I find bits of cut up paper all over the house. She loves to draw things, and then cut them out individually. She loves to cut up mailers and advertisements that come in the mail. One time I found a bunch of "ransom note" style pictures where she had cut out letters from a card, mixed them up, and glued them to form made-up words. Once, she took an empty toothpaste box, and glued tiny scraps of paper and googly eyes to it. When I asked her what it was she pointed at the paper "arms" and "legs" and said, "Oh, it's a doll." "Bongo, Oh, Bongo. Oh, Bongo is my name."- These are the lyrics to one of the songs that Eliza will perform at her dance recital. It's about a clown that dances and laughs. She sings it all the time, and the dance is so darn cute. She also loves making up words to tunes she already knows. (She gets that from me.) So, once, Sam was trying to take a break on the pot which means that Eliza was, of course, pounding on the bathroom door and bugging him because she thinks it's funny. He got a little fed up and snapped at her through the door. So, Eliza laughed and sang, "Papa, oh Papa. Oh, Papa is so mad." 5 pounds- We love Britain around here. Sam and I watch a lot of BBC, Eliza reads Baby Lit Pride and Prejudice and watches Peppa Pig. So, when she was playing with a pretend cash register the other day, and pulled out some money to pay for something and said, "That will be five pounds"- I had to laugh. "These ____ are not being nice!"- Sometimes I will suddenly hear exasperated screams coming from her room. I run in to find her struggling to get her tights on, crying out, "These tights are not being nice!!" Fill in the blank, she says this a lot. siblings- I am so excited for Sadie and Eliza to play together someday. I mean, they sort of do now. Sadie adores Eliza (and fears her!) Eliza just has so much love to give. And, I can see her getting excited the more that Sadie responds. I'm mostly excited because I know how much Eliza seriously longs for sibling interaction. When we are out, and she sees siblings playing or laughing, she watches them like a little wallflower, a little smile creeping at her lips. "I'm not happy about this."- One of her favorite sayings lately, for when she's... not happy about it. adults- Eliza loves adults. She loves her teachers and her friends' parents. She will ask, "Can we go to Shayla's house? Can you call Ben and ask if we can come over?" (Shayla and Ben being the parents.) She loves to hold hands with the parents, and chat their ears off. Sam said she reminds him of him as a kid, always sitting at the kitchen table with the parents instead of running around with the kids. I kind of love this about her. I also love how much her teachers seem to have a soft spot for her because of this. questions- I return to the questions, again, because they are so defining of Eliza lately. She never stops asking questions. All day long, with every conceivable concept or topic. "What is water made out of?" "How do we get hiccups?" "How does the Easter Bunny bring kids treats?" "What happens when we die?" "Why does the old woman live in a shoe?" It's really fascinating actually. She's incredibly interested in knowing how things work, and in understanding everything around her. I do my best to answer her questions correctly and with detail, because she will absolutely not accept short or vague answers. And, every question builds on the next so if I blow off one question than I might get stuck in a corner without answers. I love when she gets all the way down her list of follow-up questions to a place where she is somewhat satisfied and decides to move on. Like, when the answer becomes, "Hydrogen and Oxygen," she gives a satisfied nod and walks away. I also love when she answers her own questions, or builds on my answers. Like, "How do people get hiccups?" When I explained to her about spasms in the diaphragm, she thought for a second, looked at Sadie, and said, "Sadie must have a tiny diaphragm." The one thing that has been difficult is her interest in abstract ideas, or imaginary things. She is so special in that she really embraces and loves imaginary worlds- fairies, mermaids, Santa, the Easter Bunny. But, she also loves logical explanations. So, when we went on a leprechaun hunt at Nature School today by following the tiny paper footprints to find the leprechauns treasure, she could not let go of the concept even after the treasure had been distributed. She wanted to know why the feet were made of paper, where the leprechauns lived, whether or not they had arms and faces, and what they do all day. When the other kids seemed to move on, she wanted to continue to search for the leprechaun, insisting that every little bush cave we saw on the trail needed to be checked out. So, I'm grasping at answers to give her and all the while thinking, leprechauns are so creepy when you think too hard about it! I mean, "Mom, what is a leprachaun?" "Well, it's a tiny, old man... thing... that hides his treasure under rainbows..."
Black Jack David- Loretta Lynn We love us some Loretta Lynn around here. I love her sass and wit, and that endearing drawl. And, Eliza loves to dance with Papa to "Lella Lynn!" She doesn't know the words to her songs necessarily, but Loretta is often requested on sunny, lazy afternoons. When Sam puts this song, she shakes her head side to side while he stomps out the beat. Eliza is getting so big. Almost every day lately, I have those weird motherly moments where I look at my firstborn with a sudden start- how did she get so big!? And, how did she get so smart? And, how did she get so beautiful? She is utterly exhausting, and some days I really don't know how to deal. And, on those days I sneak into her room and watch her sleep. I love those long, long eyelashes and those beautifully tan cheeks. I love how she sprawls out wildly, limbs in all directions, but still manages to cradle her baby doll so perfect and sweetly. When Eliza goes to bed, she requests songs from the both of us. Lately, those bedtime songs have evolved into two specific requests- one per parent. We ask her, "What song would you like?" And she says, "The song that you always sing to me." Teach Me To Walk in the Light A song that she sings in her primary class at church, and one that I have been singing to her since she was born. When she was a baby, I would sing her about 15 songs in a row to get her to fall asleep. And, for some reason this was always the one I started with. So, it's now our song.
Lead, Kindly Light A beautiful hymn, also sung at our church. Eliza calls it "Lead Kind" and only Papa can sing it. Sam is sweetly self-conscious about singing in front of me, actually. So, I sing my song first, give her kisses and leave the room. And, I let Sam sing to her while I sometimes listen to his raspy voice in the next room. Now that Sadie is usually already asleep in the room, we tiptoe in and sort of whisper the song over the rails of her bunk bed. She refuses to let us sing it ahead of time, but loves to be snuggled up in her covers while we sing. Oh, how I love this girl.
Eliza started preschool! She is attending two mornings a week at a school just a few blocks from our place. Picking a preschool really felt like one of the first real-life parenting decision I have had to make so far. It was stressful! It didn't help that the preschool scene in Berkeley (urban areas, in general) is totally crazy- competitive, expensive, helicopter-parent-y. I also had the option of joining a group of friends who were doing an at-home co-op preschool. But, I decided that Eliza and I both needed this, and so I quit putting pressure on the situation and just looked for the school that would be the best fit. Several of our friends' have sent their kids to this school, and raved about her teacher. And I loved the idea of being able to walk her to and from school, especially with a newborn. Eliza has been talking about "going to school" for a year now. She was so ready. We tried to make the whole thing feel super special and exciting. She got to pick out a new outfit for the first day of school- a pink tutu dress, of course. She also worked hard to complete a sticker chart to earn a new unicorn "packpack." We gave it to her the night before school, and I'm not sure I have ever seen her so excited about something in her life. Her face lit up like a sparkler, it was the happiest moment. The night before the first day of school, we laid her outfit out for the next day. We are doing this every night before school, so that our mornings can be a little less crazy, but also because it reminds me of when I was a kid. I loved laying out my outfits, especially for the first day of school. And going to bed feeling all giddy for the year to come. I can only imagine how excited Eliza was, because the next morning I woke up to see her standing in front of me fully-dressed with her backpack on her back... two hours early. She was pumped. We took some pictures before we walked to school. Sam stayed home a little later so that he could come along. Eliza was so stoked, she walked ahead of us the entire time while we ran after her with our cameras. Pure first-time parent stuff right there. When we got to the class, the room was set up with the cutest stations. Eliza was hesitant at first, but then jumped right in to play. She found a table with some sparkly play-doh. She was excited to get a name tag sticker, and pointed out the bathrooms. (When we came for our school visit awhile back, she was out of her mind excited about the "tiny potties" and "little sink for two people, not for one.") Several of the parents lingered around the door, as the kids started to get into play. We watched Eliza for awhile, until she said, "I think it's time for you to go now." And, then when we still didn't leave she whispered, "I want you to go home." (Ha!) She loves us, I know it. After school, we walked to Chipotle and she chattered on about everything they did that day. She got to feed the fish, they sang a song and read a book. They played outside, ate a snack, and made a picture. She had the time of her life. It's also a bilingual class, so her teacher(s) speak to her in English and Spanish. In fact, on the first day, they greeted her completely in Spanish! Like, a full one-sided conversation. I got a little nervous, thinking that she would be completely lost. But, she seems to be enjoying it. Kids are amazing that way. Some of the students speak English, some speak Spanish, some speak both, and one of Eliza's closest friends so far mostly speaks Mandarin. Her name is Jasmine. She and Eliza must bond over clothes, because Jasmine has had some fun and fancy outfits. On the first day, Eliza said, "My teachers call me a different name." They were pronouncing her name en español, "E-lee-sa." We talked about how that was her name in Spanish, and she thought it was pretty. When her teachers started pronouncing it correctly, she was a little upset. So, we talked to her teacher after class about how she liked the Spanish pronunciation so they would continue to, and now I hear her singing her name all the time now, "E-lee-sa, E-lee-sa!" Her teacher is so sweet. I love watching her open the classroom door, and give each and every child a hug as they come in the door. She gets down at their level and looks them in the eyes, one at a time. "Buenos dias, E-lee-sa!" Eliza loves to give gifts to people. She had been talking for weeks about wanting to give a flower to her teacher on the first day of school. So, we picked a flower from our yard, and also a pretty leaf that she liked. She has taken her teacher something almost every day so far- a few flowers, a red leaf, a picture she drew with her magic pencil. It makes me smile. Preschool has been great so far. Eliza loves it. I love it. Sadie loves it. I walk Eliza to school, while wearing Sadie in the Ergo so by the time I get home she's completely out. As if by by pure preschool magic, I can then lay Sadie down in the rocker and she will stay asleep for a couple of hours. I have been working out, showering, and still manage to have time to spare. The house is sunny and quiet, and so peaceful. If the baby is still asleep after my workout, I have been using that time for myself. It's my "bettering" time. I've decided that I am only allowed to do things during that time that betters my mind and soul. Mostly, I have been writing (hence the dump of blog posts lately), or reading. I have started a search for interesting podcasts and documentaries. And, I feel so good. It's really not that long, technically. Three hours from to door to door, is not a lot. But, it is me time! So, by the time I go pick up Eliza, we are both excited to see each other. We are both refreshed and chatty, and ready for the rest of the day together. Preschool for the win!
Eliza is the best. She is our little buddy. Having a baby around makes me relish in our moments alone together, just me and E. They come in roughly 30 minute spurts throughout the day, when the baby falls asleep, and it's so hard for me to realize I need to not do the dishes and go play with my three-year-old. It's like I have to switch gears and turn off my brain, and just say "yes." Yes, Eliza. Let's do whatever you want to do right now. Let's do it now before the baby wakes up, before I need to make dinner, before I need to send you to bed. It's so hard. We play dress-up, we play kitchen, we have picnics on the porch, we make dinner together. We read a lot of books. Books are easy to do while I am holding the baby. Eliza is very good at turning the pages on her own now. And, we talk. Eliza is so fun to talk to now. She tells entire stories, using sound effects and movement. She describes things that happened months and years ago- her memory is so sharp. She makes plans for the future- fun things we will do as a family or with friends. She is my little friend. I think having a newborn with another kid running around can be seriously difficult, but it can also be your saving grace. I can remember how hard it was having a baby staring you in the face, crying and crying, with no one else at home to talk to. It can drive you crazy. But, having Eliza around to chat with makes it so much easier to keep my sanity and feel like a human being. I love that little human of mine. Eliza says: her chatter play- I love Eliza's voice. It is like the ringing of a jingle bell- super high-pitched and, well, jingly. Eliza has quiet time/nap time every afternoon, and I love listening to her chatter while she plays. Her little voice bounces around the room, with an occasional crescendo when the action gets interesting in her imaginary world. It is the most beautiful music. I have decided that one of these days, I will record hours of her playtime chatter, and when I am old and lonely, I will set up a speaker in another room and play it all day long, letting it waft through my house. Jingle, jingle, jingle. "I love your hair, Mama"- Eliza is extremely complimentary. She loves to tell you if she likes something of yours, whether it be your outfit or your hair. She doesn't gush through a compliment, though- she states it very matter-of-factly and sweetly, "Oh, I love your sweater, Papa." "My bonk bed"- Eliza is officially a big girl now. She no longer sleeps in her convertible crib/toddler bed. Now, that girl slumbers on the top of a bunk bed with a princess canopy and fairy lights. She calls it her "bonk bed." It is everything. I was so nervous about the bunk bed thing, but I knew that we would need to come up with some sort of space-saving option for when the baby came. I also wanted to make this transition special for her. To show her that being a big sister didn't just mean the addition of a screaming, crying, and totally useless tiny human. I wanted her to know that change could be a good thing, and something to be excited about. And, seeing her all tucked in with a big girl bedspread under that canopy with a bookshelf within arms reach- that's what every little girl deserves. "Can I have this for Christmas?"- I started offsetting Eliza's wants and needs, by telling her that she can "put it on her Christmas list." It has worked like a charm. Pure parenting genius. The only downside could be when she actually starts remembering this "Christmas list." For now, we just "add" things to do it all throughout the day. Let's hope she's not too disappointed when she doesn't receive that pineapple hat... "Saves the day!"- Eliza loves superheroes lately. There was one day, when I finally started to figure out the "mother of two" thing- I had Sadie asleep and strapped in the Ergo, and the perfect pocket of time to actually give some attention to Eliza. I sat on the chair in her room and we played "Super Eliza" for a glorious half hour. I would gather all of her dolls and animals on my lap, and without even having to get up or disturb the baby, I would chuck them across the room or up on to her bunk bed while shouting, "Oh no! Sage-y Baby has been kidnapped by the one-eyed monster! He is keeping her up in his cave! 'Save me, Super Eliza!'" And Eliza, wrapped up in her superhero cape and magic wand, would climb up onto her bed to save the baby. "Super Eliza saves the day!" Over and over and over- it never got old. I loved that day. "She's so damatic" (dramatic)- We apparently use this a lot. Because yes, Eliza is sometimes very dramatic. Well, she just recently started using it herself. The other day, she said that Sadie was being "so damatic." I could not stop laughing. At some point Sam explained to her the meaning of the word, and so when asked, "What does dramatic mean, Eliza?" she says very matter-of-factly, "Ovowy emoshomo." (overly emotional) "My robot shirt."- My friend has a really cute shop, called Mochi Kids, where she sells shirts that she has designed and screen-printed by hand. Eliza has a little tank top with the Kawaii Boombox on it. Seeing as how Eliza was born in 2013, she has no idea what a boombox is. So, she thinks it's a robot. She loves her robot shirt. When Sadie was born, I completely gave up on trying to do anything beyond what was absolutely necessary. Trying to referee Eliza's outfits each day fell to the bottom of my list. So, for three weeks straight, Eliza wore that robot shirt every. single. day. I will not admit to how often I actually washed it between wears. "It's massive!"- This is one of my lesser proud mom moments. It started with my desperate search for nursing- friendly dresses. I wanted to get something nice for Sadie's blessing day, since I knew we would be taking family pictures. But, nothing I had fit me yet. Or, it would be impossible to feed the baby in. I went online and ordered a bunch of nursing options from ASOS so I could try them on and return the ones that didn't work. It was the best, because they have free returns which meant I got to fill up that virtual shopping cart like nobody's business. But, the worst when they arrived and I had to try on each and every piece over my postpartum body. My mom was in town, and so we were discussing all the clothes one at a time. I must have said, "But, it's massive!" several times. I remember it. The dresses were so big and frumpy, and then when I put them on they looked even worse. I was having some serious post-baby body blues. Anyway, the next day, Eliza kept saying, "But, it's massive!" And I couldn't figure out why. I realized she was saying it whenever she was referring to something as "gross" or "disgusting," and then I made the connection. Eliza had equated the word "massive" to "gross" because of the way I was using it when talking about the clothes, and my body. I felt horrible. It was my first experience with body image and my daughter. And, I hope to start paying attention to how I describe my body from now on. It's scary to realize how much she is picking up, even when the conversation isn't directed at her. On a lighter note though, it was kind of funny hearing her say, "Ew, it's so massive!" like some sort of teenbop term, circa 2000. "Can you draw me a vampire squid?"- Have you ever seen Octonauts? It is one of the best kids' shows out there. We love it. The characters are so cute, and they teach Eliza so much about the ocean. The other day, Eliza brought me a pencil and paper and asked me, "Can you draw me a vampire squid? It has spikes." (vampire squids)
Eliza loves Sadie so much it hurts... sometimes literally. I spend half of the day trying to convince her to "give Sadie space," and the other half of the day feeling guilty for suppressing her love for her sister. I'm trying to learn to wait and see if Eliza's affection actually upsets Sadie before I call off the love fest. Eliza loves with such ferocity, it's terrifying. Her favorite thing to do is squeeeeeeze the baby. And, if I ask her not to, she will sneak a squeeze on her foot or arm or whatever appendage is not being shielded by me. And, she squeezes hard! (We are working on that.) Everyone keeps asking me how Eliza is doing with the new baby. The sister love train has been a roller coaster of a ride so far, although mostly a pleasant one. I feel grateful that Eliza loves babies so much to begin with, and even more grateful that "our baby" lived up to her expectations. "Our Baby" is what she called Sadie for the first few weeks. When we brought Sadie home, Eliza was in heaven. She was also in heaven, because she basically got to do whatever she wanted for a few weeks while Sam was off work and we were all recovering. She watched insane amounts of TV, and we were all spoiled with treats from friends. If you have a child, you know that taking it easy is the best... until it's not. Too much tv and treats creates a monster child. So, yeah, she was pretty moody and threw plenty of tantrums for awhile. But, over the past month or so, we have started to see some semblance of a regular routine and so the monster has mellowed out. During those first weeks, I was always happy and relieved to tell people, "Eliza is doing ok. She has a hard time sometimes with all of the change, but I don't feel like she blames it on the baby." She really didn't. She would have plenty of difficult moments, and we talked a lot about how "things are different now." She once said that the house is different, referring to the fact that it is a cluttered mess these days. (Eliza has a hard time with messy.) She was definitely having a hard time, but was always loving towards the baby. It wasn't until one day when the baby was crying and I walked in the room to find Eliza putting a pillow over Sadie's face, that I realized how much it was getting to her. I had to try really hard not to show how completely freaked out I was, when I explained to her that doing that was definitely not ok and very dangerous. She was only trying to get the baby to stop crying, but that sight is etched into my mind. When the baby cries, it can put us both on edge. We both get snappy and short, and I would be embarrassed to go into detail on the poor parenting decisions I've made during those times. One thing that has helped is to kind of bond over the fact that the crying is hard. When Sadie cries we look at each other and say, "Ah! It's so loud!" while being forgiving of the fact that she's just a baby. It's worked here and there. Eliza is a very good helper. She throws away diapers, and fetches things for me when my arms are full of baby. I have trained her how to put Sadie's pacifier back in her mouth, and sometimes she can sort of entertain the baby for a bit if I can't get there fast enough. I have also come to realize how independent Eliza is. So many things that I used to do for her, she is perfectly happy and capable of doing herself. Sometimes she will get upset, but sometimes the realization that she can do it on her own is exciting. Sadie has learned to prepare herself for an Eliza attack. She steels herself, wide-eyed and a bit shaky, if she sees that wild mass of hair approach. And, I've noticed that Sadie gets her little baby vengeance, when I find long strands of Eliza's hair in her fists. Eliza loves to hold her. She knows to run and sit in the corner of the couch with the pillows, so we can lay her in her arms. Eliza loves to talk to her. She gets right up in her face and chatters away in a little girl's imitation of adult baby talk. Eliza already has a high voice, so when she mimics our high-pitched baby talk it's kind of comical. "Hi, Sadie." "You're so squishy, Sadie! Little Marshmallow." "Do you want a toy? Here you go. Take it. Take it. Here, hold it in your hand!" And, she loves to kiss her- sometimes sticking her own face into the baby carrier to kiss the top of her head, or sometimes squeezing her face between her hands to plant a big one. It took her awhile to understand that Sadie can't do anything at all. Like, nothing. I think that might have been a bit of a disappointment. She loves to play with our friends' babies, who are all a few months old and can respond somewhat. Sadie just lays there. And cries. A lot. "Oh, Sadie. Sadie stop crying!" "Sadie, it's me! Your sister!" But, sometimes Sadie allows Eliza to get up in her face without screaming, or she lets her insert that pacifier in her mouth at a critical moment. And then, Eliza gets this little glow on her face like she achieved a tiny morsel of affection and connection with her sister. I am so excited for these sisters. I am so happy that they have each other. Eliza goes into detail every day about what she wants to do with Sadie, and what she wants to teach her or share with her. I am so looking forward to seeing these two grow together.
Before we headed home, we made one last stop at the Fitzgerald Marine Reserve. I have been wanting to come here for awhile because everyone raves about the tidepools. Unfortunately, the best tide would have been at 5am. We considered this, but decided it didn't fit in with our relaxed schedule. So, we waited for the second lowest tide in the late afternoon. It was still really beautiful, even if we didn't see much. There were plenty of teal green sea anemones, that squish close if you get to close. And the little pools were crawling with hermit crabs in some areas. Eliza was fascinated by them, and the idea that they look for shells to live in. She kept trying to offer them new shells she found. Most of the beach was closed off because there was a massive group of elephant seals! They were all laying out in the sand, almost blending in if you didn't stop to look. They were so close! After we spent some time in the tide pools, we took a walk in the wooded reserve, which was majestic and eerily beautiful on it's own. The trees form this tunnel to walk through, and when you circle around the path you can see the entire coastline. It was such a nice trip. I hate to say things like, "Oh, it's the last time we will do..." But, let's be honest- in a way, it is. I have no doubt that we will still travel and do fun things after baby sister arrives. But, hey I've done this before. I know that adding a baby changes things. And, that's ok. Not to mention that, yes this really is the last trip we will take as a family of three. I just kept thinking that this is the last time we will sit in some cozy beach cottage while three-year-old Eliza chases after some cat, and we all lay around and relax in this exact way. I have been trying to spend special time with Eliza. Luckily, my classes finished a few weeks ago, and things have slowed down quite a bit. I thought that I would want to pack in all of these wild and fun activities for us to do before the baby came. And, we have done a few- a movie at the theater or a trip to the zoo. But, it turns out all I want to do is be home with her. We spend our days playing at home, baking sweets, doing art projects. Today we painted fish scales with celery stamps, one stick dipped in paint in one hand, while chomping away at another. Last week we baked cookies and she said, "Let's save one for Papa, and we can eat the rest," and scrunched up her nose with mischief. Earlier this week, we made bread in a bag and Eliza called it "Smoosh Bread," and smothered it with Nutella for her after-dinner treat. And, some mornings are spent preparing baby items or deep-cleaning the house, while I listen to her bubble and squeal in her room. She's everything. She's everything I could have ever wanted in a daughter. I want this baby to come so badly... But, I don't want this special time to end. It's crazy to think that we will be adding this second, little human to our family. It's crazy to try and imagine Eliza as the "oldest child." It's crazy to think of answering to the whims of another baby, and filling our home with additional life. None of this is negative, not in my mind. But, it is still... crazy. I know I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that I want Eliza to have a sibling, and to see our family grow. But, I just have no possible way of imagining what that's going to be like. I guess it's pretty similar to how I felt when it was time for Eliza to come. You just have no earthly idea of how to imagine what it will be like to have a baby. And then she came, and it was just everything. And, you have so much love you can't even handle it. I've been spending a lot of time looking back at pictures or things I wrote when she was born. Happiness. And joy. And extreme, profound love. I think Eliza can sense that she's coming very soon. She hugs and kisses my belly all day, and never hesitates to declare, "I love our baby." Sam has been tirelessly working on building Eliza a new bed, and helping to get the house prepared for this little one. He is the perfect partner, and always a devoted father. And, me... I'm just in awe of the fact that there is now a fully grown baby inside of me. And my mama memories of infant joy are all flooding back- peaceful nursing, sleeping cuddles, and those tiny noises they make. Gimme that baby. Baby Sister, We are so excited to meet you. You are loved.
