Back in Ferurary, Sam and I were planning a "babymoon." We were going to go, just the two of us, to Cozumel to semi-recreate our honeymoon. We are big supporters of the babymoon, especially after the success of our last trip to Puerto Rico when I was pregnant with Eliza. But, this time around, all odds were against us. We couldn't figure out the best care situation to leave Eliza, and then news of the Zeka virus started to flood the media. Oh, Mexico. We will be back for you!
In the end, Sam planned a really wonderful trip to Palm Springs to make up for it. Not quite a babymoon, since Eliza came along. But, beautiful and relaxing, all the same.
We drove down, and even had the chance to stop and stay a night with good friends in San Diego. It was great to see friends and watch the kids all play together. I had one horrible episode with Eliza that left me literally crying in the guest room- involving a two year old who refused to wear panties, and a pregnant woman with insane hormones. So, it's a good thing we were on our way to paradise.
We stayed at the best place, one of my favorite Airbnb finds. It's called the Thirteen Palms, and we were lucky enough to be the only ones staying at the place. The other three or four units were empty! Which means, we had a beautiful apartment with a perfectly private pool and hot tub all to ourselves. It was so nice to just step outside our door and jump in the pool, and to not feel like we needed to shush Eliza or anything.
We always book our stays with Airbnb, and it's usually always the best decision. I love having a little privacy, especially traveling with a kid. And, I love how unique and beautiful they usually are. Also, Eliza thinks that we own houses all over the world, so that's awesome. She still talks about how she misses our "Palm Springs house." When we left, she very matter-of-factly stated, "We should get a pool at our Berkeley house." Yes, Eliza. Yes, we should.
We basically relaxed poolside for most of the trip. Eliza becomes part fish, with her pink Puddle-Jumper on, and could stay in the water all day if we let her. We took naps, and I finished a book (!) with hardly any distraction. It was lovely. The weather was great, getting warm enough to enjoy a good swim but not hot enough that you melt into a puddle on the sidewalk.
We explored the main streets, peeking in thrift ships and the rows of mid-century modern antiques stores. Sam was in heaven as we drove around and admired iconic mid-century homes and buildings while Eliza took naps in the car. I even wrangled wiggly Eliza through the Palm Springs Art Museum Architecture and Design Center, only to almost get kicked out by some pretty intense security guards because Sam kept trying to take pictures. They followed us around very closely for the remainder of the exhibit, within five feet I swear.
We ate at some so-so places, striking out just a bit on restaurants. Except for the three visits we made to Great Shakes for milkshakes. I dream about these shakes. On our last day, we left town and then turned around 20 minutes out to go back and get one last shake. It was worth it.
More to come!
We go see family in either Texas or Utah every Christmas, but we always plan a little Christmas morning at home when we return. We wait to open presents from each other, and Santa comes to leave Eliza gifts, so in the morning she can run out for a little more Christmas magic.
Santa brought her a little dollhouse for her Calico Critters bunny family, as well as a pink scooter. The dollhouse has been a hit for months now, especially after mama figured out a storage system for all of her bunnies and doll furniture. Teeny-tiny gingham dresses and lace-trimmed aprons for teeny-tiny bunnies were floating around the house for weeks. I love walking through her room on days where I see a little scene set up in the house- brother bunny and sister bunny eating dinner, or baby bunny stripped down and sitting in the bathtub. I also love, love listening in on her imaginative play. Her tiny high-pitched voice bubbling through a made-up world that her toys inhabit. It's always funny noticing myself in her play, like when she is playing the mom. Her bunnies and babies often go to "time-out" (whoops), and are always running off to "Young Women's" (the youth group that I serve with). But, the mamas are often always hugging and kissing and squishing their babies, so that makes me happy. These made-up worlds are getting more and more beautifully complex, too. I overhear adventures involving castles and escapes, and more. I think Eliza loves her alone time. Like I mentioned, she goes down for a "nap" every day, whether or not she actually falls asleep. She will play in her room for hours after that, and I really think she looks forward to that time to herself. I think it's a little bit her feeling "sneaky," and also her playing by herself with no distractions. When I hear her up and about I feel like I should go let her out of her room, but then I realize that she is deep in play and loving it. Sometimes I sit outside her door and just listen.
The scooter has been special. Living in an "urban" area can be difficult, since most of us don't have yards or driveways to play in. We go to the many, many beautiful parks to play. And, it's not like she can scoot around on our busy street or our super-not-smooth sidewalks. But luckily, we live across the street from a community center, with basketball and tennis courts. So, Eliza straps on her little helmet and scoots around the courts in her glitter shoes. She has learned how to use the brake and turn slightly. Some of my favorite moments lately have been when Sam gets home before dark and takes her to scoot across the street before bed. I sometimes sit and watch from the window as he rides around her on his skateboard and she laughs on her pink scooter.
Other favorites were clothing and shoes (this girl loves dressing herself), and play dough! That stuff was a super hit for months. She would play for an hour without needing anything at all. It was a nice addition to the mix.
Eliza is a very grateful child. I like to think that I taught her that, since we are big on "thank you"s. We always take the time to handwrite thank you notes for gifts and things. I feel like it's special and she loves it. And I want her to have connections with her family who all live so far from us. So, she is very aware of who gives her things. She always talks about these people when she plays with the things they gave. One of her favorite questions lately is, "Who did give this to me?" She asks it about everything, though. Like her carseat or her crib or a toy. It's funny though because a lot of the time they are just items we have purchased, so when I say I gave it to her she squints her face up happily and says, "Thank you, Mama!"
I love seeing my family during the holidays. But, I also love being home. I love that we always get a real tree, and that the house smells like fresh pine. I always ask the tree lot if I can take extra branches home from the pile, and I place them on the mantle and buffet. I love our random ornaments and our sweet, little collection of nativities from our travels. I love our Christmas party that we throw every year, bringing our friends together for a candlelit dinner. We don't have very many Christmas traditions yet, but what we do have is special.
Christmas in June!
We spent this past Christmas in Utah with Sam's family. It was all a bit of a blur because I was in the throes of first trimester sickness. We would play all day, and by 6pm I was holed up in bed in the basement watching Veronica Mars on the iPad and falling asleep at ridiculously early hours.
But, we did have a lot of fun. Eliza loves to go to Utah, especially in the winter when there is snow. She could play in it for hours before you started to notice that she was shivering. There's nothing cuter than kids in winter wear. Tiny peacoats and tights, or puffy snow suits and boots. Just puffiness in general- ya just wanna squeeze 'em!
She went sledding for the first time, (if you don't count when she was a baby and I would only allow Sam to drag us around on a flat surface....very slowly.) She LOVED it. She rode down over and over with Sam and the uncles, and even got a few solo rides on the lower end of the hill. She was also super excited to make a snowman, and art directed the entire endeavor from below. She insisted that the snowman have a Burl Ives beard, like in the Rudolph movie.
Eliza loves visiting her Utah family because there are always tons of people around for her to entertain. Especially when she got a big, puffy princess dress for Christmas and danced around the house leaving a trail of glitter. She gets plenty of attention there, and always lots of love. One of my favorite times was when we all went after hours to the elementary school where Nancy works. The boys played basketball, and Nancy pulled out all the gym equipment for the kids to run wild with. Eliza was running around in her pajamas, squealing and laughing with her cousins.
It was fun looking back at these pictures- Christmas with the Grays is always magical and fun. It's crazy to think that since that family picture, Eliza now has three new cousins! And, we are adding one more to mix.
In case you haven't noticed, we are expecting a baby in exactly one month. These photos were taken just a couple of weeks after we found out the news. So, I was maybe about six weeks along. They were supposed to be our Christmas card photos, but that didn't quite happen. A lot of things didn't happen once I started incubating. I haven't uploaded photos, or written about anything since then. I dropped quite a bit of the projects and hobbies I was just starting to develop. But, I feel surprisingly at peace about it all. And now that we are counting down to these last few weeks, my goal is to do just a little catching up on the last eight months. So, here goes!
The memories are not as fresh, but just as sweet. It may be a little rose-colored, because I'm feeling pretty hormonal and nostalgic, and the hardships of toddlerhood don't show through all of these photos of a smiley, spunky Eliza. And, that's ok with me.
We are expecting a little girl. Another little Eliza, or some little miss that may be completely different- who knows? All I know is that Eliza is already completely enamored with her baby sister. She has been the best helper. I can't believe how much she comprehends about what is going on with our changing family. She understands that we are having a baby, that she's inside of me, that she is growing and moving, that she still has time before she's going to come out. She understands that the baby "makes Mama sick" or "makes Mama tired." She get's the most beautiful concerned look on her face when she sees me needing help or in pain, and immediately tries to make it better. She started to drop her nap back in February, but after some tearful weeks (tears from Mama) explaining how much I needed to nap (first trimester), she trained herself to have quiet time every afternoon. So, every day she either takes a nap, or stays in her room and plays for 2 hours. Sometimes she plays AND naps, giving me up to 3 hours to rest. When I was sick, she would bring me her toys in bed, and tuck me in. She's such a caring soul.
I mean, it's not like we haven't had our difficult times. She's increasingly independent and opinionated, and very stubborn. She's incredibly silly, at the best and worst times. And, she is just plain exhausting. But, hey- she's three. And, we just have to remind ourselves of that. Daily.
But, she's such a sweet girl. She's a big girl. She is so smart and attentive, curious and loving. And, absolutely ready to be a big sister.
Here is baby sister's story so far. If you're not into TMI, I would stop here...
We found out I was pregnant on my birthday, November 4th. Some of our close friends and family may have been aware of the fact that we had been trying for some time. It took us 16 months. I thought about how I was going to to remember those months for a long time now. I will not dismiss my own pain by discounting those months, even as I am painfully aware of the struggle that so many women deal with beyond 16 months. As a women, there is nothing that can compare to the sadness felt from not being able to bring a child into this world, or having a child taken from this world. The process of creating a child is so much more complicated and delicate than you can ever imagine.
Those 16 months were real. They were hard. They were all-consuming.
I can remember being late one month, after we had been trying for almost a year, and thinking it was all over. No more ovulation tests, no more disappointment. I wrapped a pregnancy test, and took it on our anniversary trip to give Sam as a gift. We found out together with Eliza, and I thought it would be nice to find out together again. But, I started my period while sitting on the beach and fell apart completely, just crumpled up. We had to wait until the year mark to see a doctor, and then had to wait longer to get fit in for appointments and have things cleared through insurance. I had one fertility consultation and a few tests, with a woman who is now my OB. She was just the right amount of sensitive and business, and she made me feel like we could start this journey and it would be ok. Whatever "ok" was. I was ready to start doing something more about this beyond just waiting and waiting.
Then, on the morning of my birthday I pulled out a pregnancy test. I was a few days late, but I had been too nervous to check. I had Eliza on my lap as we waited for the timer, and saw those positive lines appear. I started crying. I was shaking when I called Sam over to look. We all hugged and cried. I didn't even think that I was probably not supposed to tell my two-year-old too early in the pregnancy, or that she might be confused. Because she wasn't. She was completely aware, and excited along with us. I was just so happy to be happy- the three of us. Almost four of us.
Happy Birthday to me!
The rest of my birthday was beautiful. Just after we found out the news, my friends threw me a birthday picnic at the park- where I spilled the news to a few close friends who had been aware of our situation. Their sweet reactions made it all the more beautiful. And then, I made a call to cancel my upcoming fertility procedures and scheduled my 8 week appointment.
We never found anything that could explain why we were unable to get pregnant. And, my devastation at not being able to plan my family the way I had hoped has all but disappeared. I can't imagine it being different. I really feel like this is the way it was supposed to be.
Pregnancy is just as all-consuming. I haven't had the emotional or physical energy to think about those hard 16 months until now. I can only think of taking care of my family, and the excitement of adding a baby sister to the mix. We are so happy and utterly grateful, and just a tad bit nervous. Sam and I will sometimes stare at my belly as this alien baby kicks and rolls around inside (after a long day of running around after E and her crazy self) and wonder what we have got ourselves into. But, every time Eliza crawls into bed with me, hugs my belly and whispers, "Hey, Baby!" to my bellybutton I just melt. I love my family.
Family of (four)- here we go!
Ps. I am trying to compile a mini bucket list of things that we could like to do together as a family of three and as a couple, and even just solo mama- before the baby comes. I just finished my last week of classes, and we have set aside this last month for special times. We would love suggestions!
Pps. Thanks to the Lundquists for taking these photos! This was after I decided I was too cheap to hire a photographer for family photos, got us dressed, and made Sam circle the neighborhood to find a decent wall of ivy. So, thanks for making us look good, guys. You're the best. Most of these photos made possible by the promise of pink Princess Goldfish, and produced our favorite Sam Gray line- "If you smile, I'll give you some cheese fish!" What a creeper.
