two months.

Little Miss E is two months old. Well, she was two months a couple of weeks ago when I first started writing this post. It's kind of funny how long it takes me to do something like this. I use whatever little stretches of time she gives me! She's a bit bossy!

It's hard to believe she has grown, but it's obvious that she's bigger. These days she absolutely kills us with those smiles. Once she figured out how to smile, and saw how excited we were to smile back- she never stopped. I can't get over those huge, open-mouthed gummy smiles! Her whole face lights up.

She is also starting to get a little chatty. A friend of ours let us borrow one of those play mats with the toys that dangle from an overhanging bar. We put her under that thing and she will chat it up with the little toys for a good 20 minutes. I try to get things done while she's occupied, but mostly I end up peeking in at her and trying take videos with my phone.

Sam and I laugh because it seems like almost every day when we finally wrangle her into her crib and she is out for the night, we throw our bodies onto the couch to veg- only to realize that we are both just scrolling through pictures of her on our phones. Parents.

Eliza at two months old:
-a smile that kills
-learning to giggle
-loves to chat
-the sweetest coos
-still hates tummy time
-but, can hold her head up like a boss
-mover and a shaker
-scoots her way to the bottom of her crib every night
-loves going on walks with mama
-sometimes lets us snuggle during her "morning glow"
-always looking around
-sleeps a 6 hour stretch at night
-grabs and paws at things
-a tiny thumbsucker
-loves being outside
-gets bored at home
-still battling those tummy problems
-holds out for days, then has massive blow outs
-starting to gain some chub
-has one little roll on her thighs
-ok with bath time
-hates putting clothes on
-could bounce on the yoga ball all day
-growing, growing
-sucks on her little fists- very loudly
-stares at her feet

kehoe beach.

A few months ago, we took a little day trip out to play at Kehoe Beach which quickly became my favorite beach. It was so peaceful and beautiful, way out in the hills and hidden away. The drive was beautiful, and spotted with dairy farms with black and white cows. We stopped at a little market to buy some food to add to our picnic, which we ate on a blanket at the opening of the trail out to the beach- bread and cheese, fruit, avocados, and a happy, little girl munching away. The trail out to the beach was short and relatively flat, surrounded on either side by bright, yellow flowers and low coastal California poppies. The beach was so large that you hardly noticed your neighbors, and the sand was soft and warm. Eliza and Sam ran around the dunes covered in sea grass, while I lay on a blanket and listened to her screaming laughter. It was a really wonderful day, and one of the few non-holiday days that we actually pulled out the camera these past nine months. 

As you can see in that first photo, Eliza has become quite the acrobat. She has always loved when Sam throws her up in the air, but she freaked us out when she started pulling her stunts mid-air. I don't know where she gets this from! She will toe touch and pike right at the top, but always comes down for a safe landing. It cracks me up. She's turning out to be such a funny girl, and she loves being silly. 

A few of Eliza's sayings lately:

"I've never seen this before!"- She exclaims this at the sight of anything new. Like, it's the most awe-inspiring thing she has seen in her life. 

"I'm just a little cheenager" (teenager)- Eliza is pretty obsessed with the idea of growing up. Whenever she reaches a new level of growing it is the most exciting thing that could have happened to her. Like, finally being to ride a big kid ride at the zoo. (Poor girl is just barely 36" and can't ride anything.) She defines all friends and siblings by their level of growth, and recently learned what a "teenager" is. So, she declared herself a "little teenager." Yikes!

"Oh, I see." "Oh, yes." - This one is kind of lost without actually hearing it in person. But, her responses sometimes are just so clear and adult sounding. Her little voice just sings.

"I hurt my thumb toe!"- Once, Eliza said this after stubbing her big toe. I loved it so much. I love watching her make the most clever connections with her language and comprehension. I'm constantly surprised at the things she says on a daily basis. It's pretty fascinating trying to imagine all of the knowledge and experience these tiny human beings are gathering each and every minute of the day.

"It's very special to him/her/me."- This was a phrase we used often when she was younger to explain when things should be cared for. Like, "We don't want to take that to the park, because it's very special and could get dirty." Or, "That book is very special to Papa, so let's not play with it." Now, she uses it often with her own things and with other's belongings. She 's very serious about it.

the babies- Eliza has a baby named "Eliza Baby." We got her two years ago when we first started trying for the second baby, and wanted her to feel prepared. Eliza Baby is very special to her. Then, for her second birthday, her best friend (Sage) gave Eliza a little baby that was named "Sagey Baby." These two babies never leave Eliza's side. It was always kind of funny (and slightly stressful) that these two babies really became part of the family. They are much loved. Sagey Baby disappeared for two months, and I waited to see if Eliza would get over it and move on. But, she didn't and would sometimes cry in her bed about how she missed Sagey Baby. So, we took a trip to the toy store only to coincidently run into Sagey Baby hanging out on the shelf! And, we brought her home. These past months, Eliza's babies have multiplied exponentially. I will need to take a picture of her bed now, it is filled to the brim. And, not just with superfluous stuffed toys, but with well-named and cared for babies that are accounted for each and every night and that take up the entire bed so that Eliza ends up sleeping stuffed up against the gate. Eleanor the Bear and "Tyrah Baby" were both rediscovered baby gifts that had been sitting daintily on the shelf for awhile. And, Pinky and Ariel are both mermaids that were recently adopted on her third birthday. Yes, six babies. All loved and cared for by a very nurturing little three-year-old.

The Eliza and Sage trade- Sage's mom and I had a babysitting trade this past year each week, for when I went to work. On Monday mornings Sage came over to our house, and on Thursday afternoons Eliza went to Egbert family heaven to play with all of Sage's toys and her older brothers. It was so sad peeling her away from that house each week, she loves them so much and talks about them daily. Eliza and Sage had a weekly trade, as well. I would listen in on their negotiations, "You can borrow this for five days." Or, "You can borrow this for forever!" Eliza came home wearing a different outfit each week, and would bring it back the next. We laugh though, because it always seems like a very one-sided trade, with Eliza bringing home the most loot. Sage is a very patient friend.

"Watch this, mom!"- A new favorite that is equally adorable and annoying. (Am I allowed to say that?) Eliza loves showing off new tricks, climbing at the park or dancing in our living room. I do love it, and I have to constantly remind myself to stop what I'm doing and just sit and watch. But, let's be honest, when it is yelled 10 times in a row over and over, it starts to sound like nails on a chalkboard. Love that girl.

"Why?"- Oh, my little, curious one. She asks "why?" after every single thing I say. " I need you to clean your room." "Why?" "Because your toys are all over the ground, and I don't want you to trip and fall." "Why?" "Because I love you." "Why?"....

going, going.

I'm writing to say, "whew..." This has been a pretty crazy two months. We went to Europe for ten days, back to Berkeley for three, on to Utah for ten, back in Berkeley for a few days, and then a week in San Antonio to be with my family after the sudden passing of my Grandma. We have had birthdays, anniversaries, and service opportunities. I am deep in the the midst of recital season, and Sam has been busy with big projects. We have been sick and exhausted. And we have also been happily exhausted. 

We have not sat still for months. And, it feels great to be home.

Let me start by saying I feel so blessed that I was able to do all that we have done. So, despite the feeling that we have just been nonstop "going, going" for the past two months, I wouldn't really have it any other way. Everything has added to our experiences in such a rich way. 

What I do want to write down, for my own sake, is that I want to be better. I want to try harder to give my family the important things while not dwelling on the things that are not. I want to manage my time better, and spend that time on the right things. 

But, what I want to do the most is make sure that I am handling my emotions. Because there will always be crazy times. There will always be unexpected events, stomach bugs, stress fractures, and canceled flights (two flights on one round trip!) There will always be busy seasons, and difficult trials. But, if I can learn to handle them in a way that buoys me up, while lifting my family, then we will survive. And, we will find happiness in it.

I looks forward to sorting through photos and writing about everything that has happened with us lately! I also want to say "thank you" to every single person who has helped us lately. These are the times when you realize how any genuine friends you have. Love you all.

two months.

Sadie is now two months old! She had her two month check-up today, weighing in at 9 lb 4 oz. We have loved watching her grow this past month. Her face is filling out, and she legitimately has a double chin- I swear, it's there! She has starting smiling now, and it makes my day. Sometimes we can make her smile if we tickle her cheeks a little, or if we smile really big she will smile back. But, my favorite smile is when she hasn't seen me for awhile, like when I am driving and she is stuck in the carseat. When she registers my face again, her face will light up with the most beautiful, little smile. I just love her so much.

She is even starting to develop a little laugh. She will smile, smile... and then let out this funny little double cough. It's delightful. 

We have also discovered that Miss Sadie is a homebody. Eliza was the exact opposite. She didn't like being in the house, she loved having the wind on her face, and she very rarely napped at home- only on the go. Sadie, on the other hand, loooooves to be home. Her rocker, where she sleeps, is her absolute happy place. She will put up with outings up until a point, and then you start to notice signals that she is ready to just get home and snuggle in her bed. I then have to hurry and wrap it up, or she might have a little mini baby meltdown. The second I get home I swaddle her up and lay her in bed and she just chills out and stares at the ceiling contentedly. It makes it a little difficult with a 3-year-old, though. I always assume Sadie will just fall asleep while we are out, but she never does. 

She also really loves her routine. Her nighttime routine has been set since week two, and she does not like it if we mess with it. Last night, I tried to get her to fall asleep on me so we could snuggle a little. Nope. She wanted to be swaddled up in bed. I know I should be happy about that!

A few more things I'm loving:

The salty lashes- When babies are just starting to develop the ability to cry, it's sad, but so lovely. They may only make one little tear, and so it wells up in their eyes and may just barely wet the cheek. Sadie has Sam's beautiful, impossibly long eyelashes. So, after a good baby cry, the tips of her eyelashes are sometimes white with salty crystals- little salty lashes.

Oh, nursing!- Oh, how I love nursing. I know it's hard at first, I have had my fair share of nursing difficulties. I also know that it is not for everyone. But, for me, it is one of my favorite parts of having a baby. I love the sideways glance they give you as they look up at your face. I love the way her eyebrows move up and down, because she is just so content. I love when her eyes suddenly get big as saucers when the milk lets down and she chugs, chugs to keep up. I love the little hand that rests on my chest. And, I love feeling like I can do something perfectly right. "You're sad and hungry, baby. Oh, I can feed you. I can do that. I got you, babygirl."

The view from the top- I love the top of a baby's head. I suppose it's because that is the majority of my view. I carry her around in the baby carrier all day, looking down at the swirl of hair on the top of her head. At night, I lean over the side of my bed to look in on her bed and see that slope of forehead, cheeks, and nose. I remember with Eliza I especially loved photos of the top of her head, which sounds a little weird. But, it a mother's view.

Anemone toes- My babies both inherited Sam's long toes, which I tease him about mercilessly. Sadie's are not quite as long as Eliza's, whose "finger toes" had the ability to literally grasp your pinky. But, Sadie's remind me of the anemones that we see when we explore the tidepools- the sea green creatures that slurp close when you touch them. If you tickle the bottom of Sadie's foot, her tiny toes spray out like an anemone. And, then if you touch her toes they slurp up. I know it sounds weird when I describe it, but it's so cute.

Chirps and gurgles- I love those first little sounds they make. When it almost seems like they are trying to communicate with you, but all that's coming out are the most cheerful little chirps and gurgles. Those sounds that send even the most stone-faced adult into the most ridiculous baby talk response.

Little bug- Sadie is swaddled most of the day, it makes her very happy. I love my little bug- when she's all wrapped up, and her little head pokes out the top resting her double chin on the hem of the swaddle. I love that little bug shape.

babymoon.

In November, we went on a babymoon to Puerto Rico. We didn't think of it as, "This is our last time to have fun before the baby comes"- just maybe our last time to be slightly reckless and completely spontaneous without consequence. We had been talking about going somewhere for months and, a week before we left, the stars aligned enough for us to say, "Let's do it. NOW- before we change our minds." JetBlue had a good deal, it was a slow time at Sam's work, and I was finally getting over my terrible morning sickness. 

The best decision we ever made.

We went to Vieques, which is a small island just off the coast of Puerto Rico. If you're on the East Coast, this will be one of the cheapest trips you can make. It's so inexpensive to fly there, especially if you're scouting deals. And it's so completely worth it to spend a little extra cab money to take you to the ferry that goes to Vieques. I'm going to write up a complete travel guide for Vieques because I'm glad that so many of our friends convinced us to go there, and gave us perfect recommendations. It's such a dreamy place. Vieques used to be a naval base until very recently, and so the island has yet to be overrun by craziness. It almost feels untouched- lush jungle, wild mustangs grazing, beautiful empty beaches, and cool clear water. 

I will sell you on this, just you wait.

I've always attempted to convince all of my friends that you can't get married without a honeymoon. You just can't get married and rush right into regular life (if at all possible and affordable). Because it's not "regular life" anymore- you've added a second person to the equation, and most likely many more responsibilities. You need those few days or weeks to be together- just the two of you. Now I can add, a babymoon is also an absolute must. Sam and I needed that time together in Vieques. It's equally as exciting celebrating the beginning of a new married life with a honeymoon, as it is about starting a new family with a babymoon. It's a chance to stop stressing about every little thing that needs to be done, and be reminded why you even want to start a family together. And it all takes place in a happy haze, just like a honeymoon.

And hey, after throwing up for two months straight (in gutters and toilets and subway cars all over the city), I was laying on the beach with my belly hanging out and not a care in the world. That's something that every woman needs.

family of (four).

In case you haven't noticed, we are expecting a baby in exactly one month. These photos were taken just a couple of weeks after we found out the news. So, I was maybe about six weeks along. They were supposed to be our Christmas card photos, but that didn't quite happen. A lot of things didn't happen once I started incubating. I haven't uploaded photos, or written about anything since then. I dropped quite a bit of the projects and hobbies I was just starting to develop. But, I feel surprisingly at peace about it all. And now that we are counting down to these last few weeks, my goal is to do just a little catching up on the last eight months. So, here goes! 

The memories are not as fresh, but just as sweet. It may be a little rose-colored, because I'm feeling pretty hormonal and nostalgic, and the hardships of toddlerhood don't show through all of these photos of a smiley, spunky Eliza. And, that's ok with me.

We are expecting a little girl. Another little Eliza, or some little miss that may be completely different- who knows? All I know is that Eliza is already completely enamored with her baby sister. She has been the best helper. I can't believe how much she comprehends about what is going on with our changing family. She understands that we are having a baby, that she's inside of me, that she is growing and moving, that she still has time before she's going to come out. She understands that the baby "makes Mama sick" or "makes Mama tired." She get's the most beautiful concerned look on her face when she sees me needing help or in pain, and immediately tries to make it better. She started to drop her nap back in February, but after some tearful weeks (tears from Mama) explaining how much I needed to nap (first trimester), she trained herself to have quiet time every afternoon. So, every day she either takes a nap, or stays in her room and plays for 2 hours. Sometimes she plays AND naps, giving me up to 3 hours to rest. When I was sick, she would bring me her toys in bed, and tuck me in. She's such a caring soul. 

I mean, it's not like we haven't had our difficult times. She's increasingly independent and opinionated, and very stubborn. She's incredibly silly, at the best and worst times. And, she is just plain exhausting. But, hey- she's three. And, we just have to remind ourselves of that. Daily.

But, she's such a sweet girl. She's a big girl. She is so smart and attentive, curious and loving. And, absolutely ready to be a big sister. 

Here is baby sister's story so far. If you're not into TMI, I would stop here...

We found out I was pregnant on my birthday, November 4th. Some of our close friends and family may have been aware of the fact that we had been trying for some time. It took us 16 months. I thought about how I was going to to remember those months for a long time now. I will not dismiss my own pain by discounting those months, even as I am painfully aware of the struggle that so many women deal with beyond 16 months. As a women, there is nothing that can compare to the sadness felt from not being able to bring a child into this world, or having a child taken from this world. The process of creating a child is so much more complicated and delicate than you can ever imagine. 

Those 16 months were real. They were hard. They were all-consuming. 

I can remember being late one month, after we had been trying for almost a year, and thinking it was all over. No more ovulation tests, no more disappointment. I wrapped a pregnancy test, and took it on our anniversary trip to give Sam as a gift. We found out together with Eliza, and I thought it would be nice to find out together again. But, I started my period while sitting on the beach and fell apart completely, just crumpled up. We had to wait until the year mark to see a doctor, and then had to wait longer to get fit in for appointments and have things cleared through insurance. I had one fertility consultation and a few tests, with a woman who is now my OB. She was just the right amount of sensitive and business, and she made me feel like we could start this journey and it would be ok. Whatever "ok" was. I was ready to start doing something more about this beyond just waiting and waiting.

Then, on the morning of my birthday I pulled out a pregnancy test. I was a few days late, but I had been too nervous to check. I had Eliza on my lap as we waited for the timer, and saw those positive lines appear. I started crying. I was shaking when I called Sam over to look. We all hugged and cried. I didn't even think that I was probably not supposed to tell my two-year-old too early in the pregnancy, or that she might be confused. Because she wasn't. She was completely aware, and excited along with us. I was just so happy to be happy- the three of us. Almost four of us. 

Happy Birthday to me!

The rest of my birthday was beautiful. Just after we found out the news, my friends threw me a birthday picnic at the park- where I spilled the news to a few close friends who had been aware of our situation. Their sweet reactions made it all the more beautiful. And then, I made a call to cancel my upcoming fertility procedures and scheduled my 8 week appointment. 

We never found anything that could explain why we were unable to get pregnant. And, my devastation at not being able to plan my family the way I had hoped has all but disappeared. I can't imagine it being different. I really feel like this is the way it was supposed to be. 

Pregnancy is just as all-consuming. I haven't had the emotional or physical energy to think about those hard 16 months until now. I can only think of taking care of my family, and the excitement of adding a baby sister to the mix. We are so happy and utterly grateful, and just a tad bit nervous. Sam and I will sometimes stare at my belly as this alien baby kicks and rolls around inside (after a long day of running around after E and her crazy self) and wonder what we have got ourselves into. But, every time Eliza crawls into bed with me, hugs my belly and whispers, "Hey, Baby!" to my bellybutton I just melt. I love my family.

Family of (four)- here we go!

Ps. I am trying to compile a mini bucket list of things that we could like to do together as a family of three and as a couple, and even just solo mama- before the baby comes. I just finished my last week of classes, and we have set aside this last month for special times. We would love suggestions!

Pps. Thanks to the Lundquists for taking these photos! This was after I decided I was too cheap to hire a photographer for family photos, got us dressed, and made Sam circle the neighborhood to find a decent wall of ivy. So, thanks for making us look good, guys. You're the best. Most of these photos made possible by the promise of pink Princess Goldfish, and produced our favorite Sam Gray line- "If you smile, I'll give you some cheese fish!" What a creeper.

nine months.

Sadie baby is nine months! This creamy marshmallow is the sweetest thing you will ever snuggle. She is always being passed around, sucking her little thumb, and observing the world.

She is such an observer. Eliza was an active participant in the world (emphasis on the active). She spent her babyhood frustrated that she couldn't do anything and everything. It's made her a very motivated little girl. Sadie, on the other hand, is an observer. She is content watching and learning, and handling. I sit her on the ground in the living room with a box of toys and she will play for half an hour.

But, she also prefers to be held. She wants to snuggle in your arms, and watch what's going on around her. She loves watching Eliza, or other kids play and often starts laughing at their antics. Sometimes, she will start laughing when Eliza is throwing a tantrum because the wild noises and thrashing about are hilarious to her. It would be pretty funny if I weren't on the receiving end of that tantrum. At least Sadie adds some comic relief.

And when Sadie is sad, all you have to do is pull her close into a little ball and let her suck her thumb until she feels better enough to pop her head up and look around. She curls up in the groove of my left arm as her left thumb is the preferred choice for self-soothing.

Sadie girl, lately:

tubby time- This baby LOVES the tub. I can make her a shallow bath, dump a bunch of toys in the water, and she could play all day. She gets a huge grin on her face and waves her arms around, splashing water onto her face. And even through the sputtering of water, she's still laughing. She takes each toy and studies it carefully, nibbling away until a new toy floats past. Sometimes I give her a mini bubble bath and watch her try to pick up the tufts of bubbles with her fat fingers, her eyes big and her mouth forming a perfect O.

little flirt- Sadie has been garnering a lot of attention lately. Those rosy, round cheeks keep the people comin'. She is always flirting with people from her perch in the shopping cart or clinging to my hip. She plays back, laughing and squawking or shyly burying her head in my shoulder. She is quick to hold someone's hand or reach out and pat a stranger's shoulder. She's always breakin' hearts in the Berkeley Bowl produce section.

tan hands and feet- As it turns out, my creamy little baby can hold a tan pretty well. It's been a chilly winter/spring, so her little body never really gets to see the sun. But, her hands and feet are browned to a happy shade of summer.

snot bubbles- This girl has had a runny nose for weeks and months, from never-ending teething. It's a fact of life now. She now doesn't mind when I wipe it because she knows it helps her breathe- so sad! But, I love watching her play because, in her excitement, she might produce a few snot bubbles that build up on her goofy little face.

teeth grinder- Sometimes, Sadie shifts her tiny jaw to the side so that her little fang and bottom teeth touch, and she GRINDS them together. It is the creepiest sounding thing you have ever heard. I feel like someone should record this and sell it as stock sound for a horror movie. It sounds like something that you hear during The Grudge. Also, Sadie now has six teeth! She has two on the bottom, two fangs, and two top middle teeth that just popped through. She has been so sad the past few weeks, dealing with those little teeth.

bird flapping- When she get's excited, Sadie will flap her pudgy arms like a little baby bird. Like, if you place a piece of food in front of her, she flaps her arms by her sides, then slowly lets her hands over over the food for a good 10 seconds before her little dimpled fingers pinch it in her hands.

copcat- Sadie has tricks! She loves to copy. If you shake your head at her, blow raspberries, or "ba, ba, ba" chat with her- she will do it right back with a smile on her face. Eliza loves playing the copycat game with her, and is always trying to get Sadie to mimic. I love watching them shaking heads and laughing at the dinner table.

she's excited to see you- Sadie gets so visibly excited when she sees either me or Sam. In the morning, Sam usually gets up with the girls to give me a few extra minutes in bed. When I come out to the breakfast table, Sadie gets the brightest smile on her face and pumps her little legs in her high chair. Or, when Sam comes home from work, she starts bouncing up and down and laughing, she can hardly contain herself. And, if he has to take his jacket off or do something before coming to hold her, she will start crying. It's so sweet.

throaty laugh- I loooove Sadie's laugh. It's throaty and funny, and almost sounds like she's faking it. She laughs a lot, and everyone loves to try to get her to laugh. It's contagious.

food- This girl eats so. much. food. She wants to be fed constantly, and she is nursing plenty, as well. I run out of things to feed her- I am at a loss. Mamas with big eaters, how do you appease the appetite!? What do you feed your babies??

sadie's birth.

Sadie was born right before midnight on July 8, 2016. She weighed 6 lb 5.7 oz, and 19.5 inches long. She was born at Alta Bates Hospital, in Berkeley- the same hospital that Eliza was born in. Sadie's birth was much different, though. You can tell by that first photo, for one. I'm laying in my hospital bed, with my hair done, and an excitedly giddy smile on my face. That is how I checked into the hospital that day, freshly showered and ready to go. On the day I gave birth to Eliza, I showed up at the hospital for the SECOND time after being turned away the day before because I wasn't dilated enough... this was after being in hard labor for TWO days, with one more to go. I hadn't showered or eaten in days, I was crying in pain, and could hardly put two words together. Eliza's birth was a whirlwind of pain and mental exhaustion. I find it interesting that I didn't write many details in her "birth story." It was so fresh, and sometimes still is. 

I wanted a natural birth with Eliza because I felt like it was the right thing for me- I wanted to be in complete control of the situation. And, while this option is just as beautiful as any other, and works so well for many women, I found it did not work for me. I felt exactly the opposite- I felt completely out of control. I felt like my body had a "mind of it's own" and none of the techniques I had practiced for months were helping me to reign in the pain. By the end I was begging for an epidural and it was too late. I pushed Eliza out, and all I could ask for was something to eat. (I threw up everything for two days.) The nurses laid her in my arms, as Sam spoon-fed me yogurt. It was a truly beautiful thing, but it took me awhile before I could recover enough to process the event in my mind. But, after all that, I ended up with this beautiful child in my arms and I was bursting with love.

I don't know why I felt the need to recount Eliza's birth, except that I think it helped me to process this second birth. Leading up to this day, I was purposely ignoring it. I was happily preparing for a new baby, but I was ignoring the fact that I would have to do this again- the child birth thing. Being pregnant a second time, people often ask you how your first birth went. I got to the point where I would just laugh and say, "Ha! I don't really want to think about that!" But, I started to feel Sadie getting into place so early. She was ready. And, the week before her due date I had a feeling that she would be coming. I started deep cleaning my house, scared that I would have to bring the baby home to a filthy house. I went about our day to day, deep down knowing that it could be that day.

The day before she was born, I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the floors, scrubbing my tub, and organizing the baby things. I only got through half of my floors that day. I met up with my friends for ice cream, and joked that I felt like something was happening- because I sort of maybe felt some minor contractions? In the middle of the night, my water broke. It was so different than what I had imagined, especially since Eliza's waters broke like Niagara Falls about 30 minutes before she was born. With Sadie, it was a slow leak that lasted for hours. I woke Sam up, giddy and excited, and he tried to convince me to go back to sleep to get rest.

For the next few hours, I had minor and inconsistent contractions that came and went, while my waters continued to leak. I called my doctor and they told us to come on in. I took a shower, got dressed, ate lunch, had a friend come over to watch Eliza, and we strolled into that hospital with smiles on our faces. We chatted with a grandpa sitting in the waiting room, before they escorted us to the delivery room. I mean, really? Do people actually have babies like this?

We decided to induce labor with Petocin, because of the risk of infection. Within a couple of hours I was in full hard labor, and ready for that epidural that I had been pondering for months. When those hard contractions started tearing through my body, I was shaking and crying and I was scared again. It felt like PTSD. I knew I couldn't do this again without help, nor did I want to. That epidural was exactly what I needed. I had a very good anesthesiologist who knew what he was doing. I couldn't feel the pain of the contractions, but I could definitely feel the pressure of the baby. In this way, I was able to relax and rest, softly chatting with Sam as the nurses came in and out of the room. It was so peaceful.

The contractions were supposedly moving along, I was almost dilated completely, but the baby just wasn't in position yet. I knew she was ready, though. She was so ready I could feel it through the numbness, and I was screaming for the nurses. When the nurses came, they checked me and concluded that it wasn't time yet, but humored me by allowing me a few practice pushes. After two pushes, the nurse realized the baby was already crowning and the room was a frenzy of preparation. They were calling for the doctor, who was across the street at the ob office. When she walked in, I saw her take one look at me and then she ran across the room, barely getting her gloves on before Sadie made her arrival.

It was honestly so strange. She looked exactly like Eliza. Her fresh newborn face, and that dark hair. It was like a weird and wonderful deja vu. They laid her in my arms and I just couldn't believe it. I made another one. I created this little thing. She was just inside of my body.

I love the feeling of their tiny, naked body against your skin- so unbelievably fragile and small. I love the way they breathe, a rhythm of little short, rapid breaths and long silent pauses. So comforting and so equally frightening.

I love the hospital. I have never had any hospital stays, beyond giving birth, so maybe that makes them more special to me. But, I love that "baby bubble" that you live in during those couple of days after giving birth. It's just Sam and I, and this tiny newborn baby. They sleep on your chest, while you softly talk about everything that is about to change. The nurses and doctors come in and out, offering help and pain relief. When I am nervous or hurting, I can press a little button and someone will always come. I love that first blissful shower, washing away the labor. I even love the food- it doesn't taste great, but it's such a comfort to have someone take care of you and bring you nourishment around the clock. Also, the lady that brings the food at Alta Bates has been there for years. I remember her last time, because she always calls you, "mommy," with her sweet Jamaican accent.

When Eliza came to visit, I was so happy I thought I would explode. She climbed up on the bed, touching and kissing Sadie, chattering in her high-pitched voice. "Oh! She is so cute!" "I think she loves me!" She was ecstatic to drink the milk box from my hospital lunch, and play with the buttons on my hospital bed. She told me all about her sleepovers with our friends, and the friend's birthday party she attended that morning. I am so grateful for good friends.

Sam was amazing. He was a seasoned birth partner. (We have a few funny stories from Eliza's birth in which he did all the wrong things, including setting up a tray of food in front of me to eat his dinner after I hand't been able to eat a thing in two days- like some sort of sick dinner theater. Ha!) This time, he knew exactly when to come to my side, and when to give me space. He held my hand tight when those initial contractions radiated through me. And, he told me I could do it. And, I did. When I look over from my bed and see that man with a tiny newborn babe on his chest, I just can't believe it's possible to love him more. I hold that baby in my arms and think- this little human was made by us. This little human is a piece of us.

We named her Sadie Lee. Lee, after the middle names of both of our mothers. She is a special baby, and I know she has so many great and beautiful things ahead of her. She has a big sister who is over the moon in love with her, and two parents who stop at least a million times a day to say, "She is so beautiful," and "I love her so much." Like, we just can't believe it.