one year.

Sadie Baby is one year.

I love that second picture of her, because it's how I will remember her at this age. Right at her year mark, Sadie just started to blossom with personality, independence, and a sweet sort of mischief. She was scooting along quite contentedly when, pretty much overnight, she figured out how to crawl and stand by herself. She is steady and strong, and getting into trouble.

Sadie is the sweetest. She finds the best moments to rest her head on your shoulder. Like, when I sit down in the backseat about put her in her carseat, she suddenly melts into my chest and I am forced to take a short, sweet moment to hold her and be still. She still sucks her thumb, and lovingly pinches you with her other hand. If she's by herself, she will suck her thumb and pinch her ear lobe or her own tiny arm. She loves our quiet moments, like when she wakes up, when no one else has come to break the quiet. Those moments when it's just the two of us and we can just be still.

I love this baby girl so much.

I waited so long. It took us 16 months to get pregnant this second time around. I was frustrated and sad, and just didn't understand how or why it wasn't working out the way I had planned. But, when I look at this baby girl with her toothy smile and her sweet downturned eyes, I want to cry and say, "Yes. I will take care of you. You are mine, forever." Yes, I would have waited longer if it meant having my Sadie. And, honestly- Yes, I could have three more if they were all like Sadie. She is everything I could have asked for in a baby.

I love this age. It's that glorious time where you, as a mom, are the tops. That baby wants you 90% of the time. That baby makes you feel like a million bucks. She can play by herself, doesn't talk back, and still wants to cuddle. And when you do the smallest thing to please or nourish her, that face lights up and makes you feel like pure gold.

Sadie Baby, you are golden. We love you.

Sadie at one year:

reaches- My favorite, favorite new development is "the reach." She will crawl over to my feet, sit down, look up at me, reach out her arms, and open and close her little hands. She does it whenever she sees me, no matter who is holding her. I feel like it's the first concrete communication she has developed. And, those tiny hands...

LOUD- She has also become quite vocal. She will tell you when she is upset or hungry or bored or needs a cuddle. She will yell it at the top of her lungs until you do something about it. This is the new Sadie, and she will no longer be ignored. She wants in on the action.

growl- Sadie growls like a little gremlin. It is the funniest sound. I need to get a good video of it, because I have a feeling it may not last long. She growls as a form of communication or just while she is casually playing. She loves it when you growl back at her, and will hold a full conversation if you let her.

"mama"- She's been saying it for awhile, but I think she is starting to say it when she is referring to me. It's hard to tell. She even picked up on one of my gestures. Lately, I have been trying to get her to learn the names of the family members. So, I point to Eliza and say "Eliza." Or, I pat my hand on my chest and say, "Mama." So, lately, Sadie says "mama, mama" and pats her belly like she's pointing to herself.

BIG- This child is huge all of a sudden. Like, long and large. I think all the moving is leaning her out a bit, but she is definitely getting longer. She still has that roll on her thigh, though. As long as she has that roll, I don't need to worry about my baby growing up. It's when the rolls melt away that you have a toddler on your hands.

games- Sadie loves to play games with you. She loves playing "drop the toy over and over." My favorite (Ha.) Except, sometimes when I allow myself to be patient and have fun with it, it can actually be really cute. She gets so excited to play.

molars- Sadie has actually been a bit of a nightmare this last week. Upon further investigation, we discovered that her molars were already coming in. So, I had to forgive her. Even if I'm getting sleepless nights. Silver lining: this baby can eat pretty much anything you give her. She has 10 teeth now!

standing- So, she is standing and pulling herself up now. She can't stand along without holding on, but she's definitely trying to. She will push herself up to her feet over and over, falling back on her bum. We have a coffee table in the living room that Eliza usually plays on. I love seeing Sadie's chubby hands grab onto the edge, until her eyes suddenly peek out from the edge. When, Eliza isn't looking she will snatch a toy or two, or swipe her hands around and scatter the legos. She's a quick one, and full of mischief these days.

nine months.

Sadie baby is nine months! This creamy marshmallow is the sweetest thing you will ever snuggle. She is always being passed around, sucking her little thumb, and observing the world.

She is such an observer. Eliza was an active participant in the world (emphasis on the active). She spent her babyhood frustrated that she couldn't do anything and everything. It's made her a very motivated little girl. Sadie, on the other hand, is an observer. She is content watching and learning, and handling. I sit her on the ground in the living room with a box of toys and she will play for half an hour.

But, she also prefers to be held. She wants to snuggle in your arms, and watch what's going on around her. She loves watching Eliza, or other kids play and often starts laughing at their antics. Sometimes, she will start laughing when Eliza is throwing a tantrum because the wild noises and thrashing about are hilarious to her. It would be pretty funny if I weren't on the receiving end of that tantrum. At least Sadie adds some comic relief.

And when Sadie is sad, all you have to do is pull her close into a little ball and let her suck her thumb until she feels better enough to pop her head up and look around. She curls up in the groove of my left arm as her left thumb is the preferred choice for self-soothing.

Sadie girl, lately:

tubby time- This baby LOVES the tub. I can make her a shallow bath, dump a bunch of toys in the water, and she could play all day. She gets a huge grin on her face and waves her arms around, splashing water onto her face. And even through the sputtering of water, she's still laughing. She takes each toy and studies it carefully, nibbling away until a new toy floats past. Sometimes I give her a mini bubble bath and watch her try to pick up the tufts of bubbles with her fat fingers, her eyes big and her mouth forming a perfect O.

little flirt- Sadie has been garnering a lot of attention lately. Those rosy, round cheeks keep the people comin'. She is always flirting with people from her perch in the shopping cart or clinging to my hip. She plays back, laughing and squawking or shyly burying her head in my shoulder. She is quick to hold someone's hand or reach out and pat a stranger's shoulder. She's always breakin' hearts in the Berkeley Bowl produce section.

tan hands and feet- As it turns out, my creamy little baby can hold a tan pretty well. It's been a chilly winter/spring, so her little body never really gets to see the sun. But, her hands and feet are browned to a happy shade of summer.

snot bubbles- This girl has had a runny nose for weeks and months, from never-ending teething. It's a fact of life now. She now doesn't mind when I wipe it because she knows it helps her breathe- so sad! But, I love watching her play because, in her excitement, she might produce a few snot bubbles that build up on her goofy little face.

teeth grinder- Sometimes, Sadie shifts her tiny jaw to the side so that her little fang and bottom teeth touch, and she GRINDS them together. It is the creepiest sounding thing you have ever heard. I feel like someone should record this and sell it as stock sound for a horror movie. It sounds like something that you hear during The Grudge. Also, Sadie now has six teeth! She has two on the bottom, two fangs, and two top middle teeth that just popped through. She has been so sad the past few weeks, dealing with those little teeth.

bird flapping- When she get's excited, Sadie will flap her pudgy arms like a little baby bird. Like, if you place a piece of food in front of her, she flaps her arms by her sides, then slowly lets her hands over over the food for a good 10 seconds before her little dimpled fingers pinch it in her hands.

copcat- Sadie has tricks! She loves to copy. If you shake your head at her, blow raspberries, or "ba, ba, ba" chat with her- she will do it right back with a smile on her face. Eliza loves playing the copycat game with her, and is always trying to get Sadie to mimic. I love watching them shaking heads and laughing at the dinner table.

she's excited to see you- Sadie gets so visibly excited when she sees either me or Sam. In the morning, Sam usually gets up with the girls to give me a few extra minutes in bed. When I come out to the breakfast table, Sadie gets the brightest smile on her face and pumps her little legs in her high chair. Or, when Sam comes home from work, she starts bouncing up and down and laughing, she can hardly contain herself. And, if he has to take his jacket off or do something before coming to hold her, she will start crying. It's so sweet.

throaty laugh- I loooove Sadie's laugh. It's throaty and funny, and almost sounds like she's faking it. She laughs a lot, and everyone loves to try to get her to laugh. It's contagious.

food- This girl eats so. much. food. She wants to be fed constantly, and she is nursing plenty, as well. I run out of things to feed her- I am at a loss. Mamas with big eaters, how do you appease the appetite!? What do you feed your babies??

eliza says, vol. 9

So, Eliza got a haircut! It happened a couple weeks back, and I've already lamented to anyone who would listen so I won't go into too much detail except to say I am at peace with it now. She's a doll. 

Basically, I got a haircut a few weeks ago and ever since Eliza has been saying that she wants one, too. So, we looked at some pictures online and she picked a short bob with bangs. She wanted hair like mine, which is really sweet. So, Sam and I dragged our feet for weeks because the thought of cutting her long, beautiful baby hair made us so sad. But, one Saturday morning, Eliza and I were out on a date together when I drove past a local kid's salon. I popped my head in, thinking that they would be slammed because it's Saturday. The lady said she could be up next. So, I bring Eliza inside and immediately felt sick. I asked her over and over if she wanted to just get a trim, but she insisted she "wanted the whole hair cut." So, when it was her turn I showed the lady the picture and was still sort of stalling. But, Edna Mode there (she looked just like her) snipped off a chunk of the hair by her face because I could protest. Eliza was so patient and quiet while she cut away at her hair, and I sat on the chair next to her and just cried. I tried so hard not to make her upset or worried, but it was really tough to keep it in. Five minutes later, Eliza had a bob and a lollipop, and I had an envelope with a little lock of hair inside.

I honestly had a very hard time with it. All morning I couldn't stop staring at her, because she looked so different. Like, not my child. Let me remind you, Eliza has never had her cut. Ever. It was long, almost to her waist. It had windblown waves, and sun-bleached golden ombre highlights. So, as we ate pancakes and Eliza chattered on and on as if nothing had happened, I just stared. Then, for the next two days I couldn't look at her at all because every time I did I would burst into tears. It was pathetic and weird. Sam kept having to take the girls out, because I was sobbing in bed. It wasn't that I thought she looked ugly or something, it was that she didn't look like Eliza. She didn't look like my little girl. It was that I had taken her to do this. It wasn't like every other kid's drastic hair cut story, where they sneak a pair of scissors to hack off all their hair, and the mom has to even it out or something. No, I did this myself. It was just so drastic. 

So, yes. I hated it. I'm her mom, so I can say that. And, yes, I can also say that I will always regret cutting that hair to the day I die. Because I am her mom, and I'm allowed to be weirdly dramatic. But, I will also say that I am getting used to it. That it really is adorable. And that it seems to fit this little grown up girl that has emerged these past few months. She is a big sister, a big girl, an almost-four-year-old. She was ready for this. Just, maybe mama wasn't.

Welp, I obviously ended up going into way too much detail. Whoops.

I love these pictures because of that hair, the Darth Vader temporary tattoo on her forearm, the tiny-teeth smiles, and those eyes. Lately, I have been going back and looking at baby photos of Eliza when she was Sadie's age. And it really is amazing how their eyes never change. When I look at Eliza's age, I can still catch glimpses of my baby.


A bit of E, lately:

teacher Sara- Sara is our friend who teaches Nature School. She is also Eliza's friend Sage's mom, and she works with a really great program in Oakland that teaches science classes to girls. Eliza is obsessed and in love with her, and her family. She told us that she wants to be a science teacher like Sara when she grows up. 

family picture- The other day, Eliza told me:

"I drew a picture of our family at school. There was me, and Sadie, and Papa.... and Papa is hugging Rob..."
"Oh! Rob is in the picture?"
"Yeah. And Sara, and Sage. But, Gideon and Jasper are at school."
"Oh, is Mama in the picture"
"Oh yeah, you are in the picture, too."

So, somewhere at Eliza's school is a family picture with a whole lot of people in it.

scissors- Eliza is really into scissors lately. She has some kid scissors that she carries around the house all day. She is very serious about scissor safety, so I totally trust her. But, I find bits of cut up paper all over the house. She loves to draw things, and then cut them out individually. She loves to cut up mailers and advertisements that come in the mail. One time I found a bunch of "ransom note" style pictures where she had cut out letters from a card, mixed them up, and glued them to form made-up words. Once, she took an empty toothpaste box, and glued tiny scraps of paper and googly eyes to it. When I asked her what it was she pointed at the paper "arms" and "legs" and said, "Oh, it's a doll." 

"Bongo, Oh, Bongo. Oh, Bongo is my name."- These are the lyrics to one of the songs that Eliza will perform at her dance recital. It's about a clown that dances and laughs. She sings it all the time, and the dance is so darn cute. She also loves making up words to tunes she already knows. (She gets that from me.) So, once, Sam was trying to take a break on the pot which means that Eliza was, of course, pounding on the bathroom door and bugging him because she thinks it's funny. He got a little fed up and snapped at her through the door. So, Eliza laughed and sang, "Papa, oh Papa. Oh, Papa is so mad."

5 pounds- We love Britain around here. Sam and I watch a lot of BBC, Eliza reads Baby Lit Pride and Prejudice and watches Peppa Pig. So, when she was playing with a pretend cash register the other day, and pulled out some money to pay for something and said, "That will be five pounds"- I had to laugh.

"These ____ are not being nice!"- Sometimes I will suddenly hear exasperated screams coming from her room. I run in to find her struggling to get her tights on, crying out, "These tights are not being nice!!" Fill in the blank, she says this a lot.

siblings- I am so excited for Sadie and Eliza to play together someday. I mean, they sort of do now. Sadie adores Eliza (and fears her!) Eliza just has so much love to give. And, I can see her getting excited the more that Sadie responds. I'm mostly excited because I know how much Eliza seriously longs for sibling interaction. When we are out, and she sees siblings playing or laughing, she watches them like a little wallflower, a little smile creeping at her lips.

"I'm not happy about this."- One of her favorite sayings lately, for when she's... not happy about it.

adults- Eliza loves adults. She loves her teachers and her friends' parents. She will ask, "Can we go to Shayla's house? Can you call Ben and ask if we can come over?" (Shayla and Ben being the parents.) She loves to hold hands with the parents, and chat their ears off. Sam said she reminds him of him as a kid, always sitting at the kitchen table with the parents instead of running around with the kids. I kind of love this about her. I also love how much her teachers seem to have a soft spot for her because of this.  

questions- I return to the questions, again, because they are so defining of Eliza lately. She never stops asking questions. All day long, with every conceivable concept or topic. 

"What is water made out of?" 
"How do we get hiccups?" 
"How does the Easter Bunny bring kids treats?" 
"What happens when we die?"  
"Why does the old woman live in a shoe?"

It's really fascinating actually. She's incredibly interested in knowing how things work, and in understanding everything around her. I do my best to answer her questions correctly and with detail, because she will absolutely not accept short or vague answers. And, every question builds on the next so if I blow off one question than I might get stuck in a corner without answers. I love when she gets all the way down her list of follow-up questions to a place where she is somewhat satisfied and decides to move on. Like, when the answer becomes, "Hydrogen and Oxygen," she gives a satisfied nod and walks away. I also love when she answers her own questions, or builds on my answers. Like, "How do people get hiccups?" When I explained to her about spasms in the diaphragm, she thought for a second, looked at Sadie, and said, "Sadie must have a tiny diaphragm." 

The one thing that has been difficult is her interest in abstract ideas, or imaginary things. She is so special in that she really embraces and loves imaginary worlds- fairies, mermaids, Santa, the Easter Bunny. But, she also loves logical explanations. So, when we went on a leprechaun hunt at Nature School today by following the tiny paper footprints to find the leprechauns treasure, she could not let go of the concept even after the treasure had been distributed. She wanted to know why the feet were made of paper, where the leprechauns lived, whether or not they had arms and faces, and what they do all day. When the other kids seemed to move on, she wanted to continue to search for the leprechaun, insisting that every little bush cave we saw on the trail needed to be checked out. So, I'm grasping at answers to give her and all the while thinking, leprechauns are so creepy when you think too hard about it! I mean, "Mom, what is a leprachaun?" "Well, it's a tiny, old man... thing... that hides his treasure under rainbows..."

six months.

Sadie baby is six months!

We are very late to post this for several reasons. It has been a tough few weeks for us, digesting the recent events in our country. Sam and I spend much of our time discussing our feelings and opinions, and trying to formulate ways in which we can make our voices heard. Most days I feel sick to my stomach. While, some days, I feel a little hope and clarity. Whatever your political leanings are, I hope that you can be aware of current events and take the time to thoughtfully consider your stances, research the issues, and make your voice heard. If this election and new administration have done any good in my life, it is to open my eyes to my responsibility in my community and country. The silver lining can be said that, for people like me who never felt the need to be "into politics," the floodgates have been opened. We are fired up.

Which is also why I am so grateful to sit down and take a moment to write about this beautiful baby girl. These girls are definitely the reason why I realized how much I do care about mine and their futures. You just can't look into those eyes and not care!

Sadie is so sweet, and brings us so much joy. Another reason that this post is late coming, is that this poor girl has been sick with a cold, and teething. The double whammy. A constant river of snot, and the saddest cries. When she cries, she stops what she's doing, forms the most perfectly shaped frown, and then slowly rumbles into a blubbery baby cry. It breaks your heart.

But, I feel like that cold is on the way out. And, while she now has two little spikes protruding from her bottom gums, the rest of the bulging teeth seem to be holding off.

Did I mention she's sleeping at night, though!? Hallelujah!! When we got back from our holiday trip, Sam and I set up shop in the living room- air mattress and down jackets. She didn't even need the sleep training, she just stopped waking up. It was amazing. We had tried sleep training a couple of months ago, and it just wasn't working. This time, she was ready. So, we moved her into Eliza's room and haven't looked back. It has been the best thing EVER. Eliza is so excited to have her baby sister sleeping in her room. And, I convinced her that it was super cool to sleep on our bed during nap time, so that she wouldn't wake up Sadie. And, it worked! Mom win.

So, even with the sick baby and the new teeth, everyone in the house is getting a glorious amount of sleep. And, we are all the better for it.


A bit about Sadie:

thumb sucker- We have a thumb sucker! I can't decide if it's the greatest or worst thing. She has always taken a pacifier, but when she got sick she was having a hard time breathing through her nose while keeping the binky in her mouth. So, one day, that tiny, little thumb found its way into her mouth and set up camp. It is, by far, the cutest thing I have ever seen. When she gets upset now she cries and cries, and then remembers her little thumb and starts vigorously sucking on it. I love to sneak into her room and watch her nap with her thumb in her mouth, that pointer finger wrapped around her nose, and those pink full cheeks.

moving- This girl is not interesting in physical activity. It's so funny to me. I don't want to compare the girls, but Eliza was such a big mover. So, when I see Sadie roll onto her belly and then just sort of give up and lay her head down in defeat, I can't help but laugh. She is not interested in getting herself out of tight spots, and she doesn't feel the need to learn how to sit up. She's just a chill, happy baby! She can roll a little, and also ends up doing the compass twirl on her belly most of the day. And, she does enjoy sitting, you just have to be right there to catch that noggin before it hits the ground.

food- She started solids, and loves it. I always try and feed her during our meals and she loves being a part of the action. So far, she's loving apples, bananas, and peanut butter. She's very smart, and picks up on things quickly. She figured out that I wouldn't feed her unless her hands were out of the way right off the bat, and just sits there with her mouth open waiting for me.

laugh- She has the best laugh. She laughs whenever you pay any attention to her. She loves when Eliza plays with her. We are in serious discussion with Eliza about not being rough with the baby, since it is sort of becoming a problem (any advice on this?) But, it's hard to tell Eliza to stop when Sadie is laughing her head off!

creamy skin- I love her creamy skin. I am still so surprised that a baby that came out of me could have such creamy skin. She is like a chubby, little porcelain doll. It's also taken some learning on my part, because her skin is so much more sensitive than mine or Eliza's. When she is upset in the least, she gets all pink and splotchy. It's so cute, but so sad!

squawks- This girl has a lot to say. She squawks when she gets bored, especially in slightly inconvenient places like meetings or church. They are high pitched and sometimes strung into sentences that extend for long stretches of awkward time.

hats- I never put hats on Eliza, but I can't help myself with Sadie's chubby cheeks. She is always wearing a hat- knit hats with pom poms, beanies with ears, bonnets with brims, and pixie hats with points. It gives me such satisfaction to tie that string around her cheeks and watch it disappear into the folds of her chins.

happy holidays!

A little late, per tradition:


Happy Holidays!
Love, The Grays


This year, we squeezed in a family photo shoot by smuggling our camera into church a couple of weeks ago and asking a friend to grab a few shots between meetings on the front steps. That's how we do. Also, I totally chose all the photos where I happened to look my best, because I'm a selfless mom like that. It's becoming increasingly less likely that we will ever get a family photo in which we are all looking and smiling at the camera- especially with Eliza's talent for silly faces. But, what are you goin' to do??




Anyway, we want to wish you all the best in this new year. Our 2016 was beautiful and beautifully challenging. We watched Eliza grow and mature, and we enjoyed/endured our second pregnancy. (I can say "we" because everyone has to put up with those crazy lady hormones.) We were able to travel a bit and spend time with friends and family. We were blessed with many things, including a job promotion for Sam. I would also say that this year has made us feel like Berkeley is our home. We may not stay here forever, and most likely won't be able to, but I think it's the first time in our marriage where we have felt happy and content right where we are with no intentions of "moving on." We are constantly on the receiving end of so much love and support from our community here.

And, of course, we welcomed little Sadie Lee and she changed our world for the better. The girls have grown so much over the past few months, and we are really feeling like a family. I know that might sound weird, but it honestly takes me a few months to feel like I know my baby as anything but, "the baby." Sadie is one of us now, and our lives are starting to feel like, "Yes, this is the way it is supposed to be. This is the way it was always supposed to be."

When change comes around, my world gets a little rocked. It's taken me years to realize that I might not do so well with change. When we had Eliza, I had a hard time trying to expand my energy to fit all of my family's needs. In the end, Sam always seemed to get the shaft when it came to my love and energy. The past few months, Sadie has needed much of my energy. And, I continue to have that terrible "mom guilt" that everyone else down the line is really getting the brunt of my impatience and exhaustion. I'm not looking for any sort of "You're doing great." I know I'm doing ok. But, I would like to be better. 

So, my goals for this new year involve one major thing: love.

I want to love my family more. I want to be more kind, more patient, and more loving. When I become impatient, I want to think "Love first." Perhaps this will give me that 2 second pause to remember that I love this person, and allow me to choose my reaction instead of letting me heightened emotions choose it for me. 

I want to love myself. I'm hoping to rid myself of guilt each night, as I lay in bed thinking of my day. I'm hoping to be patient with myself. And, I'm hoping to take care of my mind and my body. I am forming specific plans for those last two.  

I also want to love those around us. I plan on organizing small, monthly service projects for our family to do together. And, I want to be more aware of how I can help those who really need a little extra love.

I hope that you find happiness in the coming year. Thank you for all that you do to love and support my family!

five months.

Sadie Lee is five months! If it's possible, this little one is only getting sweeter. I started calling her my little baby doll, because she is exactly what I imagined a real baby would be like when I was young. She lets you cuddle with her, and hardly complains at all when you squeeze her. I tote her around town all day, and when people stop to say hello, she graciously flashes her precious, little smile. When she nurses, she curls up and settles into my lap with her smooth head nestled in the crook of my arm. Sometimes, when she wakes up from a nap, we just lay together in my bed and she tells me all about her baby dreams, babbling happily to herself.

I have also been joking that, while Eliza has been sort of destroying me during the day with her high emotions and tantrums, this little baby right here has been slaying me at night. I hate to say it, but I have not been my best self these days, from lack of sleep. We attempted some sleep training, but it didn't catch on the way it had with baby Eliza. And, our tiny house is just not conducive. We spent a couple of weeks sleeping on an air mattress in the freezing living room, before we finally gave up and retreated back to our bedroom. It got too cold at night, Sadie wasn't catching on, and the Christmas tree took over the living room. Also, with the holidays looming, I knew that any training we achieved right now would fly out the window during our travels. So, we are going to give it another go in January and hope for the best. For now, I will try to remember that someday teenage Sadie may never want to cuddle with me, much less every 1.5 hours in the middle of the night. Right??

I decided I wanted to take pictures of Sadie in her tiny crib this month because I wanted to remember this time in our life. This time when we are living in a little two bedroom house in Berkeley, with two kids. Where Sadie is sleeping six inches from my face, and we have sound machines blasting in both bedrooms to cover up the household noises, as well as the trains that run along the track four blocks away. Our little house that has one bathroom- a "jack and jill," connecting the two bedrooms. So that, at night when you have to pee, you play a game of roulette trying to decide if it's worth it to wake up either girls by crossing through the room, and which one do you risk. And, you definitely don't flush or the game is up!

I want to look at that picture of little Sadie bathing in the sunlight from the window and cry because I so wish that a baby was sleeping six inches from my face for the rest of my life! I love my happy family, and my happy, little home.

Things I want to remember:

her voice- Sadie has found her voice. And, she loves to use it. She shrieks and squeals, and grunts with a purpose. Sometimes it takes people off guard, it's funny.

her cheeks- Those cheeks are so chubby and firm. When she smiles, they shine like little apples and make her face look so round, if almost square. And, I am obsessed with putting bonnets on her head because the ties frame her cheeks and disappear into the folds of her neck.

her thighs- She has the chunkiest thighs. And since she is still fairly petite, her thighs just sort of take up her entire leg. She has outgrown size 1 diapers, and we are desperately trying to finish up the last box by streeeeetching them over those thighs- and regretting it later when she leaks through. Whoops! Also, sometimes I call her "Chunky McChunkerson" and Sam says I'm going to give her a complex. And, I tell him, her only job right now is to grow and I'm just complimenting her on a job well done.

her laugh- Sadie has the best laugh. It's low and growly, and sometimes she combines it with a funny cough. She laughs at Eliza and other kids, and when you play with her. And basically anytime you give her even the slightest bit of love, she will return it with a beautiful smile or a belly laugh.

grabby- She loves to grab now. She finally reached the age where she loves to play with toys, which has made my life all the more easy. She gets really serious when you hand her something- slowly reaching out her little fingers until they make contact. If you hold her during a meal, she will grab at your plate and food. And, she loves to clutch onto any hair that comes her way. She also loves anything that makes noise when you crinkle it. So when we are grocery shopping, I will throw a bag of something on her lap and she will crinkle, crinkle for the entire shopping trip.

belly roll- The second you put her down on her back, she will roll over onto her belly. She used to immediately get super mad, and Eliza got really good and going over and rolling her back- like a little beetle bug, but opposite. Eliza would laugh and say, "Sadie!? Why do you keep rolling on your belly?!" Now, she doesn't mind being on her belly so much and is starting to explore movement just a bit. But, when she gets tired, she will sort of just lay her face down in the rug and grunts.

Eliza and Sadie- Eliza is still learning about how to treat Sadie. Honestly, she's a little abusive, and we are working on that. Sometimes, Sadie will sort of shake a little when she knows Eliza is coming her way. But, mostly she gets so excited when Eliza plays with her, even when it hurts. haha

Is it conceited if I say I make some insanely beautiful children? I don't care. I do, and they are. :)

in the garden.

Eliza calls the shots for Halloween costumes around these parts. And, I will force a family costume for as long as I can, gosh darn it. So, after dodging a few bullets (No, I will not be all the characters from Frozen) Eliza decided that she wanted to be a butterfly this year! And not just any, but it had to be a "Mon-awk Butta-fly." It made me smile.

She loves butterflies. When you ask her what her favorite animal is, she says "Butterflies, flamingos, and pigs." As for the specific request for a monarch, I blame it on the wonderful nature school that she is a part of. I need to devote an entire post to nature school, but just know that it is the cutest and best thing. She knows so much about creatures and plants, and when she sees a bug she immediately picks it up to study it- whereas my natural instinct is to flick it away. I love that about her.

Eliza's costume was super easy this year. My good friend gifted Eliza these butterfly wings awhile back, and she has always loved them. So, I just glued a smattering of little butterflies to a leotard and pinned some in her hair. She was super stoked about the antennae for some reason. I bought them thinking that we might not use them because I thought she would rather have a butterfly crown. But, after she spied them on the table one day she ran up to me and whispered, "Mom! I saw some things for my butterfly costume!" as she wiggled her two fingers on her head. She wore them around the house all week long. I was the most excited about the face paint! I found a decent set of paint on Amazon, and we did a few practice sessions. The first few attempts were terrible. Like, awful. But, I would like to think it got a bit better. I don't want the extra paint to go to waste, so I have been practicing to go pro by painting Eliza and her friends' faces when they come over to play. It's fun!

Once we had the butterfly costume, I had to figure out a way to tie in the family- and the garden bugs were born. After playing with a few ideas, I decided chubby-faced Sadie needed to be a caterpillar. No question. And, it only made sense for her to be a monarch caterpillar. I made the swaddle and bonnet out of fleece, while binging on a new show on Amazon Prime. It was a great night. I miss doing projects, and it felt good to create- even if it's just a striped tube to shove my cute baby in. Sadie won "cutest costume" at our church carnival, and stole many hearts Halloween weekend. She was seriously cute. 

I made my snail costume with this tutorial. It was actually really simple, and only $3 worth of paper and styrofoam balls. It was surprisingly light and easy to wear, except that I bumped quite a few people. I decided it was also a good excuse to by a gold, crushed velvet dress, too. Score.

Sam, in true Sam Gray fashion, waited until the day of to make his costume. We talked bugs for a couple of months before Halloween, but he could never settle on one, until... he saw this kid's costume. This roly poly is amazing. Apparently, the kid and his dad took months to make this after studying and literally dissecting pillbugs to design the structure. Sam says that his is not as legit, but I was pretty impressed with the finished product. He used vulcanized fiber (really thick paper) to make the plates, by spraying them with water, shaping them, and letting them dry. He then spray-painted them, and taped them together so that they could still have mobility. I made the legs out of an old pair of sweat pants, and we just pinned them to his sweatshirt. It looked great!

The older Eliza gets, the more Halloween festivities she gets to go to! Her friend had a birthday party- a "monster mash dance party" where the kids danced around with glowsticks, and Sadie "oooed" and "ahhed" at the disco lights. Then, we played at our church carnival where Eliza timidly played a few games, and used her tickets to buy a Madeline doll and a couple of books at the prize table.

Unfortunately, she got sick the night before Halloween and I had to keep her home from preschool, which broke my heart. So, I walked down and asked her teacher if she could come march in the parade and she was happy to have her. So, I dressed up my snotty-nosed butterfly and she marched at the front of the parade with Teacher Nelly. It was the cutest thing. They walked around the square block, jingling tambourines, while all the parents skipped after them trying to take pictures. I seriously cried a little, she looked so happy and so grown up. 

After resting up the rest of the day, we headed out to trick-or-treat! Eliza got to go door-to-door with her best friend, Sage. She was so brave, and the two girls went up to every single door by themselves. Even if no one was obviously home, they needed to check out every one. And after knocking, they just sort of silently stood there with their bags open and little smiles on their faces. It made me so happy, and I couldn't help but laugh every time she ran back down from the porch exclaiming, "I got candy!" as if she still couldn't believe it. We went to a little haunted house run by a neighborhood kid (which was a little too scary for the girls!) and hit up Russell Street for a little. But, by then the kids were in a daze, and it started to rain a bit. But, Eliza brought home a good, little haul of candy.

Poor Eliza has been recovering from that cold all week, and I'm sure the excessive amounts of candy she's been eating haven't helped! But, she had such a good time. I love how much our family loves Halloween! Oh, and a caterpillar costume is the best choice for a little one. Sadie has never been so content as she was wrapped up in that thing all weekend. I'm thinking I need to make it a regular thing.

Happy Halloween, friends! We hope you had fun!

three months.

Baby girl is three months! These pictures make me laugh. She spent the entire time trying to get to her toes, and so she kept curling forward and falling over. Also, here's Eliza in the same outfit at two months! Heart eyes!

So, this post is a little late. It's honestly been a rough month around here. Mostly, It;s because I jinxed us and bragged so much about how Sadie has only needed to wake up once a night since birth. Well, a few weeks ago she decided that her goal in life was to double her weight in the shortest amount of time imaginable. And so, baby girl now wakes up no less than five times a night and nurses like her life depends on it. Oy! These babies. As a result, I have become a sleep-deprived monster of a mom and Sadie has developed some deliciously chubby cheeks and thighs.

I am my worst self when I don't get enough sleep. Like, the worst. I have been short and snappy, and not at all loving. And then, every night I apologize to Eliza and ask her forgiveness. The other day, we had a terrible morning trying to get out the door to go to preschool. When I picked her up later, we chatted all the way home, where she said, "We had a rough morning." It made me want to cry. But, it also made me happy because I think she is starting to recognize these moments. We talk a lot about this stuff, because Eliza is a girl that is full of emotions... as are her parents. And that morning, I feel like she finally voiced her understanding that sometimes we have a rough morning, but we can try and be better tomorrow. I love her.

Sam Gray gave me a gift this weekend. He had a business trip he needed to take to Utah, and thought it would be nice for everyone if Eliza got to go with him. She has had the time of her life on her special trip to Utah, and Sadie and I have spent the last three days bonding in a way that we haven't been able to do so far. She is really starting to be her own little person, and I am so grateful I got to spend some alone time with her. I spent the first day napping multiple times, eating take-out, and watching trash tv (in the middle of the day!) Yesterday, we cuddled all morning, ate pastries for every meal, and wandered the Legion of Honor. I've decided that museum is my new happy place. I haven't been able to go to an art museum and actually wander leisurely alone in so long. It was like coming up for air- the way the light filtered through the rooms, and the perfect quiet that filled each space. The museum is just small enough to feel intimate, like you can possibly know each and every piece as if it was your own. It was like a dream. Sadie let me wander almost every room, until we reached the mummies where she decided quite suddenly that she was done. So, we went outside and sat on the steps, ate a chocolate croissant, looked out on the Golden Gate, and listened to a classical guitarist play. It was happiness.

Sadie also rolled on to her belly this weekend! And also, turn about like a compass. I think that she is flourishing without a certain somebody always poking her in the face all day. Just kidding. She loves Eliza.

Here are a few glimpses of Miss Sadie Lee lately:

chatting, "mommmamamama" - She has become such a chatterbox. She makes the cutest noises, and has started to use very specific sounds in a consistent way. For example, when she wants something but isn't worked up enough to actually cry about it, she calls out "mommmmmamamamom" which seriously sounds like she is calling out "Mama!" It is so crazy, and really sweet. Eliza is pretty convinced that she can talk, and one time I overheard her arguing with her cousin about this matter in the back of the car. And when Sadie's random chattering blurted out a "Mmmhmm!" Eliza went, "See! She said 'Mmmhmm!'"

head to the right- Sadie sleeps in our room, in a rocker next to my bed. I know I should transition her to her crib soon (also in our room), but I am reluctant because she sleeps so well in that rocker. I used to have bounce, rock, dance, and do acrobatics to get Eliza to fall asleep. But, when Sadie is tired, I just lay her in that thing, and stick a pacifier in her mouth. She then immediately settles in, always snuggling her head over her right shoulder in the direction of my bed. It is the cutest thing.

bubble blowing- She went through a phase where she loved blowing bubbles. She makes enough saliva to blow bubbles for ten babies, so it's usually pretty messy. When you blew bubbles back at her, her face would light up.

observer- Sadie is the quiet observer. She sits and watches you, going about your business. She loves to be in the baby carrier with her face uncovered, so she can see the world. Being the second child, I often care for her in steps. If she wakes up from a nap, I let her hang out in her swaddle until she calls out. Then I unwrap her and let her lay on the bed, until she calls out. Basically, I get as much done as I can until she reminds me that she has been pretty chill for awhile and now requires some attention. She's the best. The other day, we were all trying to get ready and get out the door. Sam put her in her carseat and we ran around the house getting dressed and wrangling an overly-dramatic Eliza. When I was finally ready to go, I come in the room to find Sadie sound asleep in her seat, wearing yesterday's pajamas, and plastered in glitter heart stickers. She must have gotten tired of watching us run around.

her smile- I love seeing that smile. I love seeing her face light up when she realizes that it's her turn for some mama time. She loves when you pull her arms up over her head, or when you jiggle her feet. She loves when big sister plays (softly) with her. And, she loves big kisses on the lips.

We love you, Sadie baby.

two months.

Sadie is now two months old! She had her two month check-up today, weighing in at 9 lb 4 oz. We have loved watching her grow this past month. Her face is filling out, and she legitimately has a double chin- I swear, it's there! She has starting smiling now, and it makes my day. Sometimes we can make her smile if we tickle her cheeks a little, or if we smile really big she will smile back. But, my favorite smile is when she hasn't seen me for awhile, like when I am driving and she is stuck in the carseat. When she registers my face again, her face will light up with the most beautiful, little smile. I just love her so much.

She is even starting to develop a little laugh. She will smile, smile... and then let out this funny little double cough. It's delightful. 

We have also discovered that Miss Sadie is a homebody. Eliza was the exact opposite. She didn't like being in the house, she loved having the wind on her face, and she very rarely napped at home- only on the go. Sadie, on the other hand, loooooves to be home. Her rocker, where she sleeps, is her absolute happy place. She will put up with outings up until a point, and then you start to notice signals that she is ready to just get home and snuggle in her bed. I then have to hurry and wrap it up, or she might have a little mini baby meltdown. The second I get home I swaddle her up and lay her in bed and she just chills out and stares at the ceiling contentedly. It makes it a little difficult with a 3-year-old, though. I always assume Sadie will just fall asleep while we are out, but she never does. 

She also really loves her routine. Her nighttime routine has been set since week two, and she does not like it if we mess with it. Last night, I tried to get her to fall asleep on me so we could snuggle a little. Nope. She wanted to be swaddled up in bed. I know I should be happy about that!

A few more things I'm loving:

The salty lashes- When babies are just starting to develop the ability to cry, it's sad, but so lovely. They may only make one little tear, and so it wells up in their eyes and may just barely wet the cheek. Sadie has Sam's beautiful, impossibly long eyelashes. So, after a good baby cry, the tips of her eyelashes are sometimes white with salty crystals- little salty lashes.

Oh, nursing!- Oh, how I love nursing. I know it's hard at first, I have had my fair share of nursing difficulties. I also know that it is not for everyone. But, for me, it is one of my favorite parts of having a baby. I love the sideways glance they give you as they look up at your face. I love the way her eyebrows move up and down, because she is just so content. I love when her eyes suddenly get big as saucers when the milk lets down and she chugs, chugs to keep up. I love the little hand that rests on my chest. And, I love feeling like I can do something perfectly right. "You're sad and hungry, baby. Oh, I can feed you. I can do that. I got you, babygirl."

The view from the top- I love the top of a baby's head. I suppose it's because that is the majority of my view. I carry her around in the baby carrier all day, looking down at the swirl of hair on the top of her head. At night, I lean over the side of my bed to look in on her bed and see that slope of forehead, cheeks, and nose. I remember with Eliza I especially loved photos of the top of her head, which sounds a little weird. But, it a mother's view.

Anemone toes- My babies both inherited Sam's long toes, which I tease him about mercilessly. Sadie's are not quite as long as Eliza's, whose "finger toes" had the ability to literally grasp your pinky. But, Sadie's remind me of the anemones that we see when we explore the tidepools- the sea green creatures that slurp close when you touch them. If you tickle the bottom of Sadie's foot, her tiny toes spray out like an anemone. And, then if you touch her toes they slurp up. I know it sounds weird when I describe it, but it's so cute.

Chirps and gurgles- I love those first little sounds they make. When it almost seems like they are trying to communicate with you, but all that's coming out are the most cheerful little chirps and gurgles. Those sounds that send even the most stone-faced adult into the most ridiculous baby talk response.

Little bug- Sadie is swaddled most of the day, it makes her very happy. I love my little bug- when she's all wrapped up, and her little head pokes out the top resting her double chin on the hem of the swaddle. I love that little bug shape.

postpartum.

It took me a minute to decide which photos could go along with this post. These are the outtakes from the beginning of Sadie's newborn shoot we did when she was three weeks. I had seen a sweet photo of two siblings all wrapped up in a blanket like this, and wanted to try it. It did not go well. Sadie was screaming, and Eliza was wiggly, and soon they were both crying. While I was tending to the baby, Sam snapped this photo of Eliza with a tear running down her cheek, sitting on the bed and looking out the window. Every time I see that photo it breaks my heart. The whole series is a perfect illustration of our postpartum recovery.

My recovery was much more difficult this time, both physically and mentally. With my first birth, I had hardly any recovery period at all. Although the labor was intense, I did not tear and healed very quickly. I can remember walking around my hospital room on the second day, feeling so ready to get going. I always felt like it was such a blessing that my recovery was so easy that first time around, because I don't know how I could have possibly handled the shock of newborn life without a fully-functional body.

This time I did have some tearing, possibly because of the epidural. I was in pain. I was weak. I needed my pain killers, I needed help getting in and out of bed, and I couldn't sit down on flat surfaces for weeks. If I forgot to take my Ibuprofen, the pain would creep in so quickly it would bring me to tears. If I tried to do anything beyond laying in bed, I would be lucky if my energy and strength didn't completely give out before I made it back to that bed. It was absolutely overwhelming.

Those first few weeks were so full of pain. But, the physical pain was just the tip of the iceberg. I was dealing with some sad and dark feelings, and the physical pain only exacerbated the mental and emotional pain. Most of these feelings centered around that beautiful, little girl right there. I knew that I would probably feel guilt, and I knew that it would be hard for our life to change. 

But, nothing could have prepared me for the heartache. 

"I miss Eliza." That what's kept coming out. Every time Sam would walk in the room and find me crying in bed, that's what I would say. "I miss Eliza so much." Sam was being so helpful. He would take her out for half the day, to let me get my rest with the baby. Friends would come and whisk her away for playdates. And, I would lay in bed holding my beautiful newborn, crying uncontrollably because that was my life- whisking my little girl away to Fairyland for the afternoon. That was my life, and it felt like it was over. It felt like I hardly saw her at all those first couple of weeks, and when I did I was tired and stressed and constantly asking her to back off and give the baby space. Every night, after we put Eliza to bed, I would look at pictures of her from the last few months and slip even deeper. By the end of the night, my body and mind were a mess, and those feelings would overwhelm me completely. It was frightening to feel so deeply. 

I was scared. It wasn't just that I "felt sad." It hurt. These feelings were painful. It hurt in my heart, in my body, in my mind. It wasn't until I heard a friend put a name to it, that I felt like I could possibly control it. She called it "grief." I was grieving my family of three. I was grieving my life, as I knew it.

Once I had a "name" for it, it felt right. Instead of being frightened by those feelings, I felt like it was maybe a natural process. It also led me to slowly start reaching out to other friends, who may have had similar experiences. It was hard for me to admit to those feelings. I had a beautiful baby in my arms, one that we had waited and prayed for. I still had my beautiful daughter, sitting right beside me, begging for me to play with her. But, my heart hurt so much I couldn't handle it. I couldn't function.

I knew what postpartum depression was. But, I had never felt it. "Baby Blues" doesn't even begin to describe it. I can't say that I found an answer. But, I can say that I do feel happier and more at peace. I made myself take it easy. I made myself hold that baby closer, to keep the scary feelings at bay. I used that baby as a drug, drank her in to tell those hormones, "I love this baby. I wanted this baby."

I let my house go. I made myself take every single bit of help that was offered to me. We had meals from friends for weeks and weeks, and playdates for Eliza. I let Sam do everything, and tried not to feel guilty about it. He was the best support. 

I made myself get out of bed and take Eliza on a walk, even if just for five minutes. I sat down and colored with her, even if it just for five minutes. I ate lunch on the porch with her, read a book to her, watched a show with her. It didn't make it "all better." I did not find closure. That's not what I am hear to say. I am hear to say that it got better. It is getting better. 

And, I am here to say, "I do know that it is worth it."