It took me a minute to decide which photos could go along with this post. These are the outtakes from the beginning of Sadie's newborn shoot we did when she was three weeks. I had seen a sweet photo of two siblings all wrapped up in a blanket like this, and wanted to try it. It did not go well. Sadie was screaming, and Eliza was wiggly, and soon they were both crying. While I was tending to the baby, Sam snapped this photo of Eliza with a tear running down her cheek, sitting on the bed and looking out the window. Every time I see that photo it breaks my heart. The whole series is a perfect illustration of our postpartum recovery.
My recovery was much more difficult this time, both physically and mentally. With my first birth, I had hardly any recovery period at all. Although the labor was intense, I did not tear and healed very quickly. I can remember walking around my hospital room on the second day, feeling so ready to get going. I always felt like it was such a blessing that my recovery was so easy that first time around, because I don't know how I could have possibly handled the shock of newborn life without a fully-functional body.
This time I did have some tearing, possibly because of the epidural. I was in pain. I was weak. I needed my pain killers, I needed help getting in and out of bed, and I couldn't sit down on flat surfaces for weeks. If I forgot to take my Ibuprofen, the pain would creep in so quickly it would bring me to tears. If I tried to do anything beyond laying in bed, I would be lucky if my energy and strength didn't completely give out before I made it back to that bed. It was absolutely overwhelming.
Those first few weeks were so full of pain. But, the physical pain was just the tip of the iceberg. I was dealing with some sad and dark feelings, and the physical pain only exacerbated the mental and emotional pain. Most of these feelings centered around that beautiful, little girl right there. I knew that I would probably feel guilt, and I knew that it would be hard for our life to change.
But, nothing could have prepared me for the heartache.
"I miss Eliza." That what's kept coming out. Every time Sam would walk in the room and find me crying in bed, that's what I would say. "I miss Eliza so much." Sam was being so helpful. He would take her out for half the day, to let me get my rest with the baby. Friends would come and whisk her away for playdates. And, I would lay in bed holding my beautiful newborn, crying uncontrollably because that was my life- whisking my little girl away to Fairyland for the afternoon. That was my life, and it felt like it was over. It felt like I hardly saw her at all those first couple of weeks, and when I did I was tired and stressed and constantly asking her to back off and give the baby space. Every night, after we put Eliza to bed, I would look at pictures of her from the last few months and slip even deeper. By the end of the night, my body and mind were a mess, and those feelings would overwhelm me completely. It was frightening to feel so deeply.
I was scared. It wasn't just that I "felt sad." It hurt. These feelings were painful. It hurt in my heart, in my body, in my mind. It wasn't until I heard a friend put a name to it, that I felt like I could possibly control it. She called it "grief." I was grieving my family of three. I was grieving my life, as I knew it.
Once I had a "name" for it, it felt right. Instead of being frightened by those feelings, I felt like it was maybe a natural process. It also led me to slowly start reaching out to other friends, who may have had similar experiences. It was hard for me to admit to those feelings. I had a beautiful baby in my arms, one that we had waited and prayed for. I still had my beautiful daughter, sitting right beside me, begging for me to play with her. But, my heart hurt so much I couldn't handle it. I couldn't function.
I knew what postpartum depression was. But, I had never felt it. "Baby Blues" doesn't even begin to describe it. I can't say that I found an answer. But, I can say that I do feel happier and more at peace. I made myself take it easy. I made myself hold that baby closer, to keep the scary feelings at bay. I used that baby as a drug, drank her in to tell those hormones, "I love this baby. I wanted this baby."
I let my house go. I made myself take every single bit of help that was offered to me. We had meals from friends for weeks and weeks, and playdates for Eliza. I let Sam do everything, and tried not to feel guilty about it. He was the best support.
I made myself get out of bed and take Eliza on a walk, even if just for five minutes. I sat down and colored with her, even if it just for five minutes. I ate lunch on the porch with her, read a book to her, watched a show with her. It didn't make it "all better." I did not find closure. That's not what I am hear to say. I am hear to say that it got better. It is getting better.
And, I am here to say, "I do know that it is worth it."
Sadie Lee was blessed on a beautiful, sunny day in August. Sam gave her a name and a sweet blessing, surrounded by many friends in our Berkeley Ward family. Sadie was quiet and calm through the entire thing- true to form.
My mom made her beautiful blessing dress. She made Eliza's dress, as well. When I found out I was having another girl, I decided to ask my mom if she would make another dress instead of having them blessed in the same dress. I love the idea of heirloom pieces, but I never loved the idea of sharing. I wanted each of my girls to have their own dress that they could keep and pass on. I like to pretend that my daughters will be as ridiculously nostalgic as I am. But, hey, my mom and I are both cut from the same (vintage) cloth!
I also love the idea that each of their dresses was designed differently, and ended up showing their personalities. Eliza's dress had tiny flutter sleeves, and intricate lace. While, Sadie's dress is soft and flowy, with a sweet, little bow. I'm so glad my mom could give such a special gift to my girls. I'm also so happy that we were able to bless Sadie while my mom was in town!
We took some family pictures after, which involved several bribes and threats for Miss Eliza, and a bright, green pacifier for Sadie Baby. I was self-conscious of having my picture taken, as my hair needed a cut, my face still looked (looks) like somebody else's, and that awkward nursing dress was just not cutting it. It always makes me laugh (or cry) to think of the actual events behind a photo. That's life. I am trying not to be so critical of real life these days. This was a special day, and that's my family right there, in that moment. I love it.
Sadie, we love you so much. We are so grateful that you came to our family. I know that you are supposed to be with us. I waited a long time to see you, my baby. I know that your Heavenly Father loves you. And, your papa and I promise to provide a home for you- one that is always full of love.
Eliza is the best. She is our little buddy. Having a baby around makes me relish in our moments alone together, just me and E. They come in roughly 30 minute spurts throughout the day, when the baby falls asleep, and it's so hard for me to realize I need to not do the dishes and go play with my three-year-old. It's like I have to switch gears and turn off my brain, and just say "yes." Yes, Eliza. Let's do whatever you want to do right now. Let's do it now before the baby wakes up, before I need to make dinner, before I need to send you to bed. It's so hard.
We play dress-up, we play kitchen, we have picnics on the porch, we make dinner together. We read a lot of books. Books are easy to do while I am holding the baby. Eliza is very good at turning the pages on her own now.
And, we talk.
Eliza is so fun to talk to now. She tells entire stories, using sound effects and movement. She describes things that happened months and years ago- her memory is so sharp. She makes plans for the future- fun things we will do as a family or with friends.
She is my little friend. I think having a newborn with another kid running around can be seriously difficult, but it can also be your saving grace. I can remember how hard it was having a baby staring you in the face, crying and crying, with no one else at home to talk to. It can drive you crazy. But, having Eliza around to chat with makes it so much easier to keep my sanity and feel like a human being. I love that little human of mine.
Eliza says:
her chatter play- I love Eliza's voice. It is like the ringing of a jingle bell- super high-pitched and, well, jingly. Eliza has quiet time/nap time every afternoon, and I love listening to her chatter while she plays. Her little voice bounces around the room, with an occasional crescendo when the action gets interesting in her imaginary world. It is the most beautiful music. I have decided that one of these days, I will record hours of her playtime chatter, and when I am old and lonely, I will set up a speaker in another room and play it all day long, letting it waft through my house. Jingle, jingle, jingle.
"I love your hair, Mama"- Eliza is extremely complimentary. She loves to tell you if she likes something of yours, whether it be your outfit or your hair. She doesn't gush through a compliment, though- she states it very matter-of-factly and sweetly, "Oh, I love your sweater, Papa."
"My bonk bed"- Eliza is officially a big girl now. She no longer sleeps in her convertible crib/toddler bed. Now, that girl slumbers on the top of a bunk bed with a princess canopy and fairy lights. She calls it her "bonk bed." It is everything. I was so nervous about the bunk bed thing, but I knew that we would need to come up with some sort of space-saving option for when the baby came. I also wanted to make this transition special for her. To show her that being a big sister didn't just mean the addition of a screaming, crying, and totally useless tiny human. I wanted her to know that change could be a good thing, and something to be excited about. And, seeing her all tucked in with a big girl bedspread under that canopy with a bookshelf within arms reach- that's what every little girl deserves.
"Can I have this for Christmas?"- I started offsetting Eliza's wants and needs, by telling her that she can "put it on her Christmas list." It has worked like a charm. Pure parenting genius. The only downside could be when she actually starts remembering this "Christmas list." For now, we just "add" things to do it all throughout the day. Let's hope she's not too disappointed when she doesn't receive that pineapple hat...
"Saves the day!"- Eliza loves superheroes lately. There was one day, when I finally started to figure out the "mother of two" thing- I had Sadie asleep and strapped in the Ergo, and the perfect pocket of time to actually give some attention to Eliza. I sat on the chair in her room and we played "Super Eliza" for a glorious half hour. I would gather all of her dolls and animals on my lap, and without even having to get up or disturb the baby, I would chuck them across the room or up on to her bunk bed while shouting, "Oh no! Sage-y Baby has been kidnapped by the one-eyed monster! He is keeping her up in his cave! 'Save me, Super Eliza!'" And Eliza, wrapped up in her superhero cape and magic wand, would climb up onto her bed to save the baby. "Super Eliza saves the day!" Over and over and over- it never got old. I loved that day.
"She's so damatic" (dramatic)- We apparently use this a lot. Because yes, Eliza is sometimes very dramatic. Well, she just recently started using it herself. The other day, she said that Sadie was being "so damatic." I could not stop laughing. At some point Sam explained to her the meaning of the word, and so when asked, "What does dramatic mean, Eliza?" she says very matter-of-factly, "Ovowy emoshomo." (overly emotional)
"My robot shirt."- My friend has a really cute shop, called Mochi Kids, where she sells shirts that she has designed and screen-printed by hand. Eliza has a little tank top with the Kawaii Boombox on it. Seeing as how Eliza was born in 2013, she has no idea what a boombox is. So, she thinks it's a robot.
She loves her robot shirt. When Sadie was born, I completely gave up on trying to do anything beyond what was absolutely necessary. Trying to referee Eliza's outfits each day fell to the bottom of my list. So, for three weeks straight, Eliza wore that robot shirt every. single. day. I will not admit to how often I actually washed it between wears.
"It's massive!"- This is one of my lesser proud mom moments. It started with my desperate search for nursing- friendly dresses. I wanted to get something nice for Sadie's blessing day, since I knew we would be taking family pictures. But, nothing I had fit me yet. Or, it would be impossible to feed the baby in. I went online and ordered a bunch of nursing options from ASOS so I could try them on and return the ones that didn't work. It was the best, because they have free returns which meant I got to fill up that virtual shopping cart like nobody's business. But, the worst when they arrived and I had to try on each and every piece over my postpartum body. My mom was in town, and so we were discussing all the clothes one at a time. I must have said, "But, it's massive!" several times. I remember it. The dresses were so big and frumpy, and then when I put them on they looked even worse. I was having some serious post-baby body blues. Anyway, the next day, Eliza kept saying, "But, it's massive!" And I couldn't figure out why. I realized she was saying it whenever she was referring to something as "gross" or "disgusting," and then I made the connection. Eliza had equated the word "massive" to "gross" because of the way I was using it when talking about the clothes, and my body. I felt horrible. It was my first experience with body image and my daughter. And, I hope to start paying attention to how I describe my body from now on. It's scary to realize how much she is picking up, even when the conversation isn't directed at her. On a lighter note though, it was kind of funny hearing her say, "Ew, it's so massive!" like some sort of teenbop term, circa 2000.
"Can you draw me a vampire squid?"- Have you ever seen Octonauts? It is one of the best kids' shows out there. We love it. The characters are so cute, and they teach Eliza so much about the ocean. The other day, Eliza brought me a pencil and paper and asked me, "Can you draw me a vampire squid? It has spikes." (vampire squids)
My mom was able to come out and stay with us for two whole weeks. She came around three weeks after Sadie was born, when I was still wandering around the house in my robe and underwear in a newborn haze. We were coming to the end of our meal deliveries from friends, Sam was going back to work, and Eliza was starting to have all the feels and verging on cabin fever. We were ready for Grandma to step in.
My mom washed my dishes all day long. (Thank you, old house with no dishwasher or disposal.) She set up the sewing machine in the dining room, and made Sadie a beautiful blessing dress (more pictures to come), mended everything in the house, and made Eliza a pair of sparkle denim jeans. (Guys, she made jeans. Like, with pockets and everything.) She took it upon herself to bring our garden back to life, by removing an entire compost bin of weeds and embarking on a personal vendetta against the bugs plaguing our plants. (She concocted her own bug repellent, sprayed the entire garden, and perhaps had way too much fun watching the bugs disappear.) My mom entertained Eliza, cuddled Sadie, and worked as my personal pack mule anytime we left the house. She read Eliza countless books, put in hours on the rocking chair with the baby, and even stayed up into the late hours of the night helping Sam make a lemon meringue pie (because, apparently he had a mission to make this pie). She let me know it was ok to cry when I was overwhelmed, and she didn't act like it was weird that I would disappear to bed at random early hours when I was exhausted.
And, through all of this, she slept on an air mattress in my living room without complaint.
She helped us so much. My mom was the one that discovered that Sadie loves music. We were driving somewhere, and Sadie was out of her mind crying. My mom put the phone right up close to her carseat, and played music for her. Sadie instantly calmed down. That's one more trick to add to my bag. She especially loves Elizabeth Mitchell.
My mom also gave me the courage to get out. I was nervous about even getting to a doctor appointment before that. I mean, how was I supposed to juggle two children like that!? But, she helped me develop my routine for getting out the door, and into/out of the car that took me into the next few weeks and helped me to feel somewhat normal again. We took it pretty easy while she was here, but did go on several walks and mini trips around the Bay Area. We took Eliza to Fairyland, and my mom loved all the whimsy and magic there. We went on a day trip to Half Moon Bay, took the girls to the Exploritorium in San Francisco, and played at parks around Berkeley.
One of my favorite days was when my mom and I (and Sadie) explored this amazing button shop in El Cerrito, overflowing with vintage buttons spanning decades. My mom has an Etsy shop, where she sells beautiful vintage children's clothing that she finds and fixes up, so she shopping for business. But, beyond that, this button shop was her version of heaven. The walls were lined with button cards of every color and size imaginable, from every decade. The drawers were stuffed with fancy Czech Glass buttons, that sparkled with winks of iridescence, thick woven leather buttons, and buttons made of cream-colored shell. The newspaper clippings that lined shop were filled with fun tales, and the woman at the counter was ready to chat. We left with a bag of tiny buttons, and several great stories.
We also went on a mother/daughter date night to the Grand Lake Theatre to see Florence Foster Jenkins. We sat in the main theatre, with the live organist pre-show, velvet curtains, and gold-gilded walls- with a huge bag of popcorn, and a newborn baby who graciously slept through the entire movie. Oh, and Meryl Streep- a genius. I haven't laughed that hard in a movie in awhile.
It was a lovely trip. I think my mom and Sadie Lee have a special, little bond. Maybe it's because she is named after her, or maybe they are similar souls. I am so grateful that my mom came out to be with us. I honestly couldn't believe how incredibly patient and kind she was with my entire family through our roller coaster of crazy. Thanks goodness for selfless mothers. She is such an example to me.
Thank you, Mama. I love you!
Little Miss Sadie turned one month... almost exactly one month ago. But, better late than never. I did snap these pictures back then, though. It's so fun to see how much she has grown. Sadie is growing faster than Eliza did, so I feel like I can see the change more from month to month. Her face especially is getting so sweet and plump!
At one month, we started to really see her more. She was awake during the day, and starting to get more unpredictable. She was also struggling with the last of those baby digestive issues that plague their little bodies those first few weeks. It always makes me sad to see them in pain and not be able to help much. Unfortunately, Eliza struggled with it for about four months (some call if "colic"). But, I'm happy to say that Sadie's body has caught up with her and she is now a master at passing gas- because that's what you wanted to know about my baby. That's why you're reading this, right? (Ha!)
At one month is also when she started to need her swaddle more, and wouldn't just pass out on my chest for hours. Oh, those first glorious weeks spent in bed with a newborn sleeping peacefully on your chest. Those first glorious weeks where you can validate not doing absolutely anything productive, because this tiny human just needs you to be a warm body. When you can sit and stare at the swirl of hair on the top of their head, and trace the features on that chubby face. (Oh, those first glorious weeks when you have to decide whether you really need to pee, or whether the tingling in your arm really hurts enough to move it and risk waking the tiny human.)
At one month, she was starting to feel more like a baby and not so much a newborn. I have a tendency to want my babies to grow up too fast- or at least that's how I was with Eliza. I think it's a first-time mom thing. It was just so exciting to see them reach that next milestone, and watch them grow. I definitely see why second-time moms baby their second born. I want Sadie to be a baby forever. But, I already see her growing too fast! My babies are "very alert," as I hear all the time from people passing by. "Oh my, she's very alert!" Meaning, "That newborn should really be asleep or something, right?" No, mine like to greet the world head on. Also, my babies are tiny and strong. Maybe it's because they don't have as much chub to hold up, or something. But, like Eliza, Sadie was holding her head up just fine at one month. Sadie girl, let's slow this down. I'm in no rush this time!
Sadie's favorite place at one month, besides my arms of course, was the corner of the couch in the living room- she would look out the window at the branches on the tree and listen to the kids play in the courts across the street, and the tinkling of the windchime on our neighbor's porch. It's also the best spot to feel that bit of breeze coming through the windows, as the curtain billows out just slightly. I loved that sweet, content look she would get on her face, all swaddled up with a binky in her mouth. And, if I could keep Eliza from attacking, she wold lay there for some quite some time. It was her happy, peaceful place.
We love you, Sadie girl. You help us to slow down and enjoy the moments a little more.
Eliza loves Sadie so much it hurts... sometimes literally. I spend half of the day trying to convince her to "give Sadie space," and the other half of the day feeling guilty for suppressing her love for her sister. I'm trying to learn to wait and see if Eliza's affection actually upsets Sadie before I call off the love fest. Eliza loves with such ferocity, it's terrifying. Her favorite thing to do is squeeeeeeze the baby. And, if I ask her not to, she will sneak a squeeze on her foot or arm or whatever appendage is not being shielded by me. And, she squeezes hard! (We are working on that.)
Everyone keeps asking me how Eliza is doing with the new baby. The sister love train has been a roller coaster of a ride so far, although mostly a pleasant one. I feel grateful that Eliza loves babies so much to begin with, and even more grateful that "our baby" lived up to her expectations. "Our Baby" is what she called Sadie for the first few weeks.
When we brought Sadie home, Eliza was in heaven. She was also in heaven, because she basically got to do whatever she wanted for a few weeks while Sam was off work and we were all recovering. She watched insane amounts of TV, and we were all spoiled with treats from friends. If you have a child, you know that taking it easy is the best... until it's not. Too much tv and treats creates a monster child. So, yeah, she was pretty moody and threw plenty of tantrums for awhile. But, over the past month or so, we have started to see some semblance of a regular routine and so the monster has mellowed out.
During those first weeks, I was always happy and relieved to tell people, "Eliza is doing ok. She has a hard time sometimes with all of the change, but I don't feel like she blames it on the baby." She really didn't. She would have plenty of difficult moments, and we talked a lot about how "things are different now." She once said that the house is different, referring to the fact that it is a cluttered mess these days. (Eliza has a hard time with messy.) She was definitely having a hard time, but was always loving towards the baby. It wasn't until one day when the baby was crying and I walked in the room to find Eliza putting a pillow over Sadie's face, that I realized how much it was getting to her. I had to try really hard not to show how completely freaked out I was, when I explained to her that doing that was definitely not ok and very dangerous. She was only trying to get the baby to stop crying, but that sight is etched into my mind. When the baby cries, it can put us both on edge. We both get snappy and short, and I would be embarrassed to go into detail on the poor parenting decisions I've made during those times. One thing that has helped is to kind of bond over the fact that the crying is hard. When Sadie cries we look at each other and say, "Ah! It's so loud!" while being forgiving of the fact that she's just a baby. It's worked here and there.
Eliza is a very good helper. She throws away diapers, and fetches things for me when my arms are full of baby. I have trained her how to put Sadie's pacifier back in her mouth, and sometimes she can sort of entertain the baby for a bit if I can't get there fast enough. I have also come to realize how independent Eliza is. So many things that I used to do for her, she is perfectly happy and capable of doing herself. Sometimes she will get upset, but sometimes the realization that she can do it on her own is exciting.
Sadie has learned to prepare herself for an Eliza attack. She steels herself, wide-eyed and a bit shaky, if she sees that wild mass of hair approach. And, I've noticed that Sadie gets her little baby vengeance, when I find long strands of Eliza's hair in her fists. Eliza loves to hold her. She knows to run and sit in the corner of the couch with the pillows, so we can lay her in her arms. Eliza loves to talk to her. She gets right up in her face and chatters away in a little girl's imitation of adult baby talk. Eliza already has a high voice, so when she mimics our high-pitched baby talk it's kind of comical. "Hi, Sadie." "You're so squishy, Sadie! Little Marshmallow." "Do you want a toy? Here you go. Take it. Take it. Here, hold it in your hand!" And, she loves to kiss her- sometimes sticking her own face into the baby carrier to kiss the top of her head, or sometimes squeezing her face between her hands to plant a big one.
It took her awhile to understand that Sadie can't do anything at all. Like, nothing. I think that might have been a bit of a disappointment. She loves to play with our friends' babies, who are all a few months old and can respond somewhat. Sadie just lays there. And cries. A lot. "Oh, Sadie. Sadie stop crying!" "Sadie, it's me! Your sister!" But, sometimes Sadie allows Eliza to get up in her face without screaming, or she lets her insert that pacifier in her mouth at a critical moment. And then, Eliza gets this little glow on her face like she achieved a tiny morsel of affection and connection with her sister.
I am so excited for these sisters. I am so happy that they have each other. Eliza goes into detail every day about what she wants to do with Sadie, and what she wants to teach her or share with her. I am so looking forward to seeing these two grow together.
Sadie was born right before midnight on July 8, 2016. She weighed 6 lb 5.7 oz, and 19.5 inches long. She was born at Alta Bates Hospital, in Berkeley- the same hospital that Eliza was born in. Sadie's birth was much different, though. You can tell by that first photo, for one. I'm laying in my hospital bed, with my hair done, and an excitedly giddy smile on my face. That is how I checked into the hospital that day, freshly showered and ready to go. On the day I gave birth to Eliza, I showed up at the hospital for the SECOND time after being turned away the day before because I wasn't dilated enough... this was after being in hard labor for TWO days, with one more to go. I hadn't showered or eaten in days, I was crying in pain, and could hardly put two words together. Eliza's birth was a whirlwind of pain and mental exhaustion. I find it interesting that I didn't write many details in her "birth story." It was so fresh, and sometimes still is.
I wanted a natural birth with Eliza because I felt like it was the right thing for me- I wanted to be in complete control of the situation. And, while this option is just as beautiful as any other, and works so well for many women, I found it did not work for me. I felt exactly the opposite- I felt completely out of control. I felt like my body had a "mind of it's own" and none of the techniques I had practiced for months were helping me to reign in the pain. By the end I was begging for an epidural and it was too late. I pushed Eliza out, and all I could ask for was something to eat. (I threw up everything for two days.) The nurses laid her in my arms, as Sam spoon-fed me yogurt. It was a truly beautiful thing, but it took me awhile before I could recover enough to process the event in my mind. But, after all that, I ended up with this beautiful child in my arms and I was bursting with love.
I don't know why I felt the need to recount Eliza's birth, except that I think it helped me to process this second birth. Leading up to this day, I was purposely ignoring it. I was happily preparing for a new baby, but I was ignoring the fact that I would have to do this again- the child birth thing. Being pregnant a second time, people often ask you how your first birth went. I got to the point where I would just laugh and say, "Ha! I don't really want to think about that!" But, I started to feel Sadie getting into place so early. She was ready. And, the week before her due date I had a feeling that she would be coming. I started deep cleaning my house, scared that I would have to bring the baby home to a filthy house. I went about our day to day, deep down knowing that it could be that day.
The day before she was born, I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the floors, scrubbing my tub, and organizing the baby things. I only got through half of my floors that day. I met up with my friends for ice cream, and joked that I felt like something was happening- because I sort of maybe felt some minor contractions? In the middle of the night, my water broke. It was so different than what I had imagined, especially since Eliza's waters broke like Niagara Falls about 30 minutes before she was born. With Sadie, it was a slow leak that lasted for hours. I woke Sam up, giddy and excited, and he tried to convince me to go back to sleep to get rest.
For the next few hours, I had minor and inconsistent contractions that came and went, while my waters continued to leak. I called my doctor and they told us to come on in. I took a shower, got dressed, ate lunch, had a friend come over to watch Eliza, and we strolled into that hospital with smiles on our faces. We chatted with a grandpa sitting in the waiting room, before they escorted us to the delivery room. I mean, really? Do people actually have babies like this?
We decided to induce labor with Petocin, because of the risk of infection. Within a couple of hours I was in full hard labor, and ready for that epidural that I had been pondering for months. When those hard contractions started tearing through my body, I was shaking and crying and I was scared again. It felt like PTSD. I knew I couldn't do this again without help, nor did I want to. That epidural was exactly what I needed. I had a very good anesthesiologist who knew what he was doing. I couldn't feel the pain of the contractions, but I could definitely feel the pressure of the baby. In this way, I was able to relax and rest, softly chatting with Sam as the nurses came in and out of the room. It was so peaceful.
The contractions were supposedly moving along, I was almost dilated completely, but the baby just wasn't in position yet. I knew she was ready, though. She was so ready I could feel it through the numbness, and I was screaming for the nurses. When the nurses came, they checked me and concluded that it wasn't time yet, but humored me by allowing me a few practice pushes. After two pushes, the nurse realized the baby was already crowning and the room was a frenzy of preparation. They were calling for the doctor, who was across the street at the ob office. When she walked in, I saw her take one look at me and then she ran across the room, barely getting her gloves on before Sadie made her arrival.
It was honestly so strange. She looked exactly like Eliza. Her fresh newborn face, and that dark hair. It was like a weird and wonderful deja vu. They laid her in my arms and I just couldn't believe it. I made another one. I created this little thing. She was just inside of my body.
I love the feeling of their tiny, naked body against your skin- so unbelievably fragile and small. I love the way they breathe, a rhythm of little short, rapid breaths and long silent pauses. So comforting and so equally frightening.
I love the hospital. I have never had any hospital stays, beyond giving birth, so maybe that makes them more special to me. But, I love that "baby bubble" that you live in during those couple of days after giving birth. It's just Sam and I, and this tiny newborn baby. They sleep on your chest, while you softly talk about everything that is about to change. The nurses and doctors come in and out, offering help and pain relief. When I am nervous or hurting, I can press a little button and someone will always come. I love that first blissful shower, washing away the labor. I even love the food- it doesn't taste great, but it's such a comfort to have someone take care of you and bring you nourishment around the clock. Also, the lady that brings the food at Alta Bates has been there for years. I remember her last time, because she always calls you, "mommy," with her sweet Jamaican accent.
When Eliza came to visit, I was so happy I thought I would explode. She climbed up on the bed, touching and kissing Sadie, chattering in her high-pitched voice. "Oh! She is so cute!" "I think she loves me!" She was ecstatic to drink the milk box from my hospital lunch, and play with the buttons on my hospital bed. She told me all about her sleepovers with our friends, and the friend's birthday party she attended that morning. I am so grateful for good friends.
Sam was amazing. He was a seasoned birth partner. (We have a few funny stories from Eliza's birth in which he did all the wrong things, including setting up a tray of food in front of me to eat his dinner after I hand't been able to eat a thing in two days- like some sort of sick dinner theater. Ha!) This time, he knew exactly when to come to my side, and when to give me space. He held my hand tight when those initial contractions radiated through me. And, he told me I could do it. And, I did. When I look over from my bed and see that man with a tiny newborn babe on his chest, I just can't believe it's possible to love him more. I hold that baby in my arms and think- this little human was made by us. This little human is a piece of us.
We named her Sadie Lee. Lee, after the middle names of both of our mothers. She is a special baby, and I know she has so many great and beautiful things ahead of her. She has a big sister who is over the moon in love with her, and two parents who stop at least a million times a day to say, "She is so beautiful," and "I love her so much." Like, we just can't believe it.
Meet Miss Sadie Lee Gray.
She is a second child. Her "newborn pictures" were taken three weeks late, and this "announcement" post is now seven weeks late. But, we love this sweet girl more than we possibly could have imagined.
Sadie is sweet. That's the word that keeps coming to us every day. Every day when she allows us to lay her in the rocker and quietly looks around the room, while contentedly sucking on her pacifier. And, every night when she goes to bed at 10pm and wakes up at 7am, mercifully only feeding once during the night. Every moment when she looks up at you with those big, grey-brown eyes and her tiny, m-shaped mouth and chubby cheeks. When Sadie is upset, she starts to grunt and squirm. After a few minutes of this level of unhappiness, she moves into a louder grunt/cry in tiny spurts. And, then if you really take your sweet time she will eventually graduate into a full cry. I mean, do babies really do this!? (Eliza was known for going 0-10 in two second flat.) Also, because of this gradual cry, she is fairly easy to read. I can cover my bases and solve the problem before it escalates into madness. I know a lot of this has to do with being an experienced second-time mom, but I really do feel like she communicates her needs so clearly.
Sadie is soft. Her dark, wispy hair smells like apricot jam. Her demands are few, and when she does get particularly upset, she has this little, exhausted after-cry that breaks your heart. She melts into you when she cuddles. (Even as a newborn, Eliza would fight the cuddles unless she was dead asleep.) On days that we are out and about, Sadie will actually hang out in the carseat, patiently waiting to be taken out. But, if I leave her in there too much in one day she gets starved for human contact. Some days I forget how long she has been in there, and by the end of the day she will work herself up into a frenzy of sad, newborn cries and one single, hot tear. (It's so sad when they start making tears!)
Sadie is squishy. She is my "chubby" baby. Small for the average baby, but chubby for a Gray. Her little face is filling out, and she has the faintest of baby rolls in those little legs.
Sadie is pink. She is so pink and fair for a child of mine! But, also, she looks so good dressed in a pretty, blush pink. It's the color I kept seeing when I was pregnant. Whereas, Eliza always seemed all bright and gold in my mind, Sadie always looked like a lovely shade of pink. So, I intentionally bought a few outfits in light pinks in the last few weeks of my pregnancy, and it's all I want her to dress in. And, her sweet personality matches that perfect shade of pink. Sweet Sadie. Sadie Baby.
Sadie is Sadie. We talked about names for years. We had an ongoing baby name list since having Eliza. Two years ago, I had a little girl named "Sadie" in one of my dance classes. She was a really sweet girl. I remember liking the name but not thinking that Sam would be into it. But, I added it to the list anyway. Towards the end of the pregnancy we both agreed that the name kept rising to the top of the list, for good reason. Sadie is so a "Sadie." She is Sweet Sadie. It took me months to feel comfortable with my decision to name Eliza "Eliza," but Sadie felt right even before she was born.
Having another newborn has been difficult. Just because Sadie has been an "easier" baby, doesn't mean it hasn't been hard. Newborn cries can stir up the air in a room so fast it makes you want to scream. Newborn screams escalate any situation into a meltdown for all. Our laundry baskets are overflowing with tiny, newborn clothes that smell of sour-milk. Our exit from the house with a newborn is so involved it makes us want to hole up inside for the rest of the day. But, a newborn inside all day makes me lose my mind. Our day to day is brought to a halt if the newborn's needs are not being met. And, for so many other reasons that I plan on working out into words later, newborns are just. plan. difficult.
But, newborns... they are everything. They are perfect.
I've been compiling a mental list of things that I forgot. Sweet, simple things that I forgot about having a newborn:
1) The newborn smell- Like when you have them bundled up in the baby carrier, pressed against your chest as they slumber peacefully. You tip your face just right above that wispy hair and you feel like you can practically inhale that baby in one deep, breath- just drink in that sweet, baby smell. Sam and I have decided that Sadie smells like apricot jam.
2) The fist fuzz- Newborns keep their fists clenched for the first weeks of their life. Inside those tiny fists is a treasure trove of sticky fuzz. So, if you are able to get them to let go of their surprisingly tight grip, you can spend your lazy afternoons prying up each finger and pulling out those little fuzzies. It feels so good, for some reason.
3) Those tiny fingernails- They are so tiny! How is it even possible?!
4) The stages of sleep- Like, when they start to drift off and their eyelids just flutter and droop, and they keep fighting and fighting it- suddenly seemingly sound asleep, and just as suddenly wide-eyed and searching. When they do finally drift into slumber, you just sit and watch. You know you should "sleep when the baby sleeps" but, oh! those tiny newborn noises. The snuffles and grunts, and the sweet little squeaks. And oh! those tiny newborn wiggles. The way they shift and squish, a little sleepy swaddled dance. You can't take your eyes off them. And then, slowly they drift deeper into slumber and then you're stuck, staring longingly at those half moon eyes, with the tiny eyelashes that barely peek out, and those squishy mouth and cheeks. They are so still and quiet, and you hover just waiting for them to catch their little newborn breath again. And your hands are itching to grab them and wake them up again so you can cuddle and kiss them, but your mind and your body are saying.... go to sleep, crazy woman.
5) The s t r e t c h- The moment when they wake up from a nap, you release them from their swaddle, and they s t r e t c h for a good give minutes- straight arms, fists clenched overhead in a touchdown stance, triple chin squished back into their neck, little legs stretching out and and bouncing back into their round bellies as they arch, arch, arch their little back, and then slowly dissolve into a little sigh of happiness. I have plans to take a video of this someday. It needs to be recorded.
6) The look- When you know that they see you, that they are seeing you. That after all their sweet wandering and studying stares all day- at the movement of the branches outside the window, the sunlight dancing on the floor, the spindle bars on the headboard, or the straight edge of the frame above the changing table- they are suddenly and very intently looking straight into your eyes. And, the day when a smile sprouts on their lips and you just know that this time, it wasn't gas. This time it was totally a smile. And it was totally meant for you.
Sadie has brought so much happiness into this home. We are so glad she is ours.
We love you, Sadie baby.
I will be putting down more thoughts on Sadie's birth, the sister love, and our lives as a family of four. But, writing is slow these days, and I'm working towards being ok with that. So, I just tell myself, "Be patient with yourself, mama!" Maybe tomorrow.
